One line jokes-Lost voice

The below questions has always haunted me.....

If a swine loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Really funny jokes-Jordan Hale's Used Cars

Stella, an elderly lady, had finished shopping at Kmart and was walking back home when she passed the shop of a used car dealer with the sign "Jordan Hale's Used cars".

Stella's bag of groceries was particularly heavy that day and she felt she could do with a used car when she went shopping and save herself a lot time and body pain. So she walked into the office of the owner and told him she needed a car. Jordan, the owner asked her what kind of car she wanted and she replied, "Well, son, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hatred or rage."

Jordan replied, "Hmmm.....I guess you are talking about a Plymouth Fury! We have a few in our collection. What color would you like?"

Stella had some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reached into her shopping bag, took out an ear of corn, stripped down the shucks and said, "I want this color."

Jordan replied, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice green one?"

Stella, a little irritated, insisted "No, I want this color."

Jordan tried to reason, "But ma'am, the company didn't make that color! Maybe a violet one would suit you?" said Jordan, obviously worried about losing a prospective customer. By this time, Stella was really mad and started throwing things at Jordan, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the parking lot. One of the salesmen, who came into the office from the back door, noticed the commotion and asked the receptionist what the old woman was so upset about.

The receptionist replied, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

Good jokes-Keep on fighting!

The following conversation took place in the morning drill of the US Army:

Sergeant Thomas: When you are frightened, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: You better. And if the enemy shoots off your right ear, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: Good. But if the enemy also shoots off your left ear, what then?

Private Joe: Then I can't see.

Sergeant Thomas: Can't see? Where did you get your education, private?

Private Joe: Well sergeant, if both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.

Really funny jokes-Loan to hog

An ambitious hog goes to a bank to ask for a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patrice Vack.

"Hi, I would like to apply for a loan", said the hog.

Patrice Vack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something that can stand against your loan?"

The hog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"I am not sure," said Patrice Vack, "I'll need to check with the manager about this."

Patrice Vack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager, who addresses Patrice by her nickname Patty, says: "Knick Knack, Patty Vack. Give the hog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone" (Pun from the lyrics of THE OLD MAN song)

Lawyer jokes-Money minded

Lance was talking to his friend Sheldon about his legal problems. Lance says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."

Sheldon asks, "What makes you say that?"

Lance replies, "One of the items in his bill says: 'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about your case: $50'."

Short funny jokes-Hippo in bed

Q. What should you do if you find a hippopotamus in your bed?

A. Guess you'll have to sleep somewhere else.

Really funny jokes-Cowboy in Theatre

A lazy cowboy went to the movies. As the usher guided him to his seat, he noticed that the cowboy sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

He whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy moaned but didn't move. The usher warned again. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'll have no choice but to call the manager."

The cowboy just moaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the security. The security guy surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right fella, what's you're name?"

"Tex," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Tex?"

With pain in his voice Tex replied.... "The balcony."

Funny Aviation joke-Three best things

Ask any pilot and he will agree that the three best things in life are a fine landing, a fine orgasm, and a fine bowel movement.

A night aircraft landing is a chance to experience all three together.

Teacher jokes-Cross eyed

I took my brother, Nikhil to college. He was curious to meet our cross-eyed professor who could not control his pupils.

Clean jokes-Stagecoach

Kirk was telling his colleagues about a strange dream he had the previous night. He dreamt he was in the middle of action in the old west riding a stagecoach. All of a sudden, a cowboy riding a horse appears on the right side of the stagecoach and a horse without a rider pulls up on the left.

In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, "What do you think you are doing?"

The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

Funny jokes-Shooting some cans

Teddy, the gun shop owner called the police as he felt there was something wrong with one of his customers.

When the Police arrived, Teddy told them about a tall guy who walked in a couple of weeks back to buy a box of high velocity 12 gauge shells. The next week, the tall guy came back to buy another box of ammo. This went on for 4 weeks. When he visited Teddy's store one more time, Teddy asked him, "What are you shooting buddy? There's hardly anything in season right now."

The tall guy replied, "I am shooting some cans."

Teddy asked him, "Beer cans?"

The tall guy replied, "Nope. Me shooting some Mexicans, some Puerto Ricans, some Africans, don't matter me none."

Funny jokes-Flying kitten

Father Moore had a naughty little kitten named Batty who was always up to some mischief. Once, Batty climbed up a small tree in Father Moore's backyard and then refused to come down.

Father Moore tried hard to get the kitten down by calling out its name, also tried offering milk, sweets, but Batty would just not come down. As the tree was not strong enough to climb, Father Moore thought that if tied one end of a rope to the tree and the other to his car and drove ahead to bend the tree, he could perhaps reach up and get Batty. He did it and felt that he should go a little bit further so that the tree is adequately bent for him to reach Batty. But as he moved a little further ahead, the rope snapped.

The tree went "boing!" and Batty sailed through the air and out of sight. Father Moore felt terrible. He went searching for Batty in the entire neighborhood and its vicinity, asked people if they had seen Batty but his attempts in locating the little kitten failed.

Father Moore committed Batty to the Lord's keeping and went back to normal life.

A few days later, he met a lady at the local store buying food and he noticed she was carrying a tin of cat food. He distinctly remembered that this lady hated cats so he questioned her about the cat food.

She replied, "You will find it hard to believe but my little boy Tommy had been pestering me for a cat, and I kept declining his request. Then one day, he begged again and I told him if God gave him a cat, I would allow him to keep it. I saw Tommy go out in the yard, get on his knees, and pray to God for a cat. And then, something unbelievable happened!! A kitten came flying out of the sky, and landed right in his lap!!!"

Really funny jokes-Cowboy bragging

Three cowboys - Billy, Rex and Chuck - were drinking at the local bar. Billy said, "Did you hear that bugger Roy bought a new car. I bet he's going to start bragging about it the moment he enters this bar."

Rex said, "You should not be judgmental about him. Roy's a good lad. I am sure he's just gonna say a 'hi' when he walks in."

"I know Roy better than either of you," said Chuck. "He's a smart guy, he'll find a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Roy swung open the bar door and yelled, "Audi, fellas!"

Hilarious jokes-String quartet

I asked my friend, Jose, who was learning to play the violin : "How do you define a string quartet?

This was the reply from Jose, "It comprises of a a fine violinist, a bad violinist, one terribly bad violinist who became a violist, and one cellist who doesn't like violinists, all getting together to criticize the composers."