Short funny jokes-Hippo in bed

Q. What should you do if you find a hippopotamus in your bed?

A. Guess you'll have to sleep somewhere else.

Really funny jokes-Cowboy in Theatre

A lazy cowboy went to the movies. As the usher guided him to his seat, he noticed that the cowboy sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

He whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy moaned but didn't move. The usher warned again. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'll have no choice but to call the manager."

The cowboy just moaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the security. The security guy surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right fella, what's you're name?"

"Tex," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Tex?"

With pain in his voice Tex replied.... "The balcony."

Funny Aviation joke-Three best things

Ask any pilot and he will agree that the three best things in life are a fine landing, a fine orgasm, and a fine bowel movement.

A night aircraft landing is a chance to experience all three together.

Teacher jokes-Cross eyed

I took my brother, Nikhil to college. He was curious to meet our cross-eyed professor who could not control his pupils.

Clean jokes-Stagecoach

Kirk was telling his colleagues about a strange dream he had the previous night. He dreamt he was in the middle of action in the old west riding a stagecoach. All of a sudden, a cowboy riding a horse appears on the right side of the stagecoach and a horse without a rider pulls up on the left.

In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, "What do you think you are doing?"

The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

Funny jokes-Shooting some cans

Teddy, the gun shop owner called the police as he felt there was something wrong with one of his customers.

When the Police arrived, Teddy told them about a tall guy who walked in a couple of weeks back to buy a box of high velocity 12 gauge shells. The next week, the tall guy came back to buy another box of ammo. This went on for 4 weeks. When he visited Teddy's store one more time, Teddy asked him, "What are you shooting buddy? There's hardly anything in season right now."

The tall guy replied, "I am shooting some cans."

Teddy asked him, "Beer cans?"

The tall guy replied, "Nope. Me shooting some Mexicans, some Puerto Ricans, some Africans, don't matter me none."

Funny jokes-Flying kitten

Father Moore had a naughty little kitten named Batty who was always up to some mischief. Once, Batty climbed up a small tree in Father Moore's backyard and then refused to come down.

Father Moore tried hard to get the kitten down by calling out its name, also tried offering milk, sweets, but Batty would just not come down. As the tree was not strong enough to climb, Father Moore thought that if tied one end of a rope to the tree and the other to his car and drove ahead to bend the tree, he could perhaps reach up and get Batty. He did it and felt that he should go a little bit further so that the tree is adequately bent for him to reach Batty. But as he moved a little further ahead, the rope snapped.

The tree went "boing!" and Batty sailed through the air and out of sight. Father Moore felt terrible. He went searching for Batty in the entire neighborhood and its vicinity, asked people if they had seen Batty but his attempts in locating the little kitten failed.

Father Moore committed Batty to the Lord's keeping and went back to normal life.

A few days later, he met a lady at the local store buying food and he noticed she was carrying a tin of cat food. He distinctly remembered that this lady hated cats so he questioned her about the cat food.

She replied, "You will find it hard to believe but my little boy Tommy had been pestering me for a cat, and I kept declining his request. Then one day, he begged again and I told him if God gave him a cat, I would allow him to keep it. I saw Tommy go out in the yard, get on his knees, and pray to God for a cat. And then, something unbelievable happened!! A kitten came flying out of the sky, and landed right in his lap!!!"

Really funny jokes-Cowboy bragging

Three cowboys - Billy, Rex and Chuck - were drinking at the local bar. Billy said, "Did you hear that bugger Roy bought a new car. I bet he's going to start bragging about it the moment he enters this bar."

Rex said, "You should not be judgmental about him. Roy's a good lad. I am sure he's just gonna say a 'hi' when he walks in."

"I know Roy better than either of you," said Chuck. "He's a smart guy, he'll find a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Roy swung open the bar door and yelled, "Audi, fellas!"

Hilarious jokes-String quartet

I asked my friend, Jose, who was learning to play the violin : "How do you define a string quartet?

This was the reply from Jose, "It comprises of a a fine violinist, a bad violinist, one terribly bad violinist who became a violist, and one cellist who doesn't like violinists, all getting together to criticize the composers."

Good jokes-Late Patrick

My colleague Patrick is not a morning person. His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.

Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if he didn't do something about it.

So Patrick visited his doctor for advice. The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a medicine that actually worked!"

"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins, "But where the hell were you yesterday?"

Clean jokes-Skin cream

Mike Sweeney goes to the pharmacy to buy an anti-infective skin cream. When the pharmacist gives him one, Mike reads the directions to use. It says : apply locally twice a day.

Mike says to the pharmacist: "But I can't apply locally, I'm going out of town."

Short funny jokes-Horse in bar

Harry, the horse trots into a pub.

The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

Really funny jokes-Principles of Household Physics

10 Principles of Household Physics

You will observe that the principles of household physics are as true as every other principle in the universe. See the below examples:

1. A kid's enthusiasm to help in any project varies in inverse proportion to the capability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always inflate to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly cleaned window gathers dust and dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is required.

5. The same mess that will fill a one-car garage will also fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a war.

7. The possibility of impending doom is in direct proportion to the number of remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors not closed varies inversely with the weather and outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any water heater equals one and one-half kids showers.

10. If two kids are put in a room full of toys, they will both want to play with the same toy.

Animal jokes-Karate pig

Bitzer: What is the term for a pig that practices karate?

Shaun: A pork chop.