Funny jokes-Who needs Nursing home care

We, the elderly do not want nursing homes anymore. We prefer to check into a Holiday Inn!

What with the average cost for a nursing home care touching $200 per day, we have found a better option when we are old and need to be taken care of.

We've checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, they are offering $73.56 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves us with a host of benefits:

# $126.44 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we like, room service, laundry, TV movies or any other expenses.

# Not just that, they provide a spa, swimming pool, gym, washer-dryer, and other facilities.

# Other than that, we get free toothpaste, shampoo, soap and razors.

# If we give even $5 worth of tips a day, we'll have the entire staff scrambling to help us.

# Best part - they treat us like a customer - not a patient.

# We get a city bus from the bus stop across the street and we seniors ride free.

# If we can fake a limp, that's even better - the handicap bus will pick us up .

# We have a church bus service on Sundays to meet other nice people.

# For a change of scenery, we take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While we're at the airport, we have the option to fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps piling up.

# It would have taken us months to get into a decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take care of our reservation today.

# Another advantage - we are not stuck at one place forever - we can move from Inn to Inn, or from city to city.

# Want to see exotic places? Holiday Inn is everywhere. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Shower needs fixing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

# They even have night security and daily room service. The room service checks to see if we are all right. If not, they'll call an ambulance, or the undertaker, as the case may be. If we fall and break a bone, Medicare will pay for the treatment, and Holiday Inn will upgrade us to a suite for the rest of our lives.

# Nothing to worry about visits from family. They will always be glad to find us, and probably check in for a few days of vacationing.

# The grandchildren will be happy to use the pool.

What more could we old folk ask for?

Office jokes-Always bad news

Jenine, a curvy blonde enters into John's cabin and says to her boss, "John, I'm afraid I've bad news for you."

John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."

Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."

Short funny jokes-Cement mixer

Little Tommy and Little Johnny are watching constructions workers busy at a construction site close to their house.

Little Tommy says to Little Johnny, "What will you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?"

Little Johnny replies, "A brick-layer!"

Bigger cycle

When I bought my daughter a bigger bicycle, she insisted on parking it next to her small old cycle.
She said, "The big one is the daddy of the small cycle - wait, I have a name for it - Popcycle."

Really funny jokes-Blonde with new boat

Betty, a 28-year-old blonde, fulfilled her dream of owning a boat when she purchased one in the summer. So, one afternoon, she was all set to try out her brand new motorboat. But there was a problem - the motorboat would barely perform. She tried everything, checked the mechanisms again, but the boat failed to function properly.

She tried again the next day and the day after that, but the motorboat would only splutter and strain but not pick up speed. She saw some fishermen and thought of asking them for help. She hoped that they would help identify the problem.

A fisherman called Ted inspected the boat and confirmed that the engine and out drive seemed to be in order. Ted then jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for any problems. What he saw made him laugh so hard, he came up choking and gasping for air. When the other fishermen asked him what was so funny, he replied, "The trailer is still attached to the boat!"

One line jokes-Miracle drug

Liza: Do you believe in a miracle drug?

Donna : Sure I do. If it is now available at the same price as last year.

Hilarious jokes-Ten funny Burglar Stories

1. Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'

2. In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

3. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran......but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him and called the police.

4. In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

5. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

6. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

7. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a "Seven-Eleven" robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

8. Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

9. A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn't invent these funny occurrences.

10.A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

One line jokes-Fungus

My Grandpa says ex's are like fungus, they keep coming back.

Really funny jokes-Health problems

Suzie, a hooker, goes to her doctor for her quarterly checkup.

The doctor asked, "Is there any particular problem that you want to talk about?"

"Yes, I have noticed lately that even if I get a small cut, it seems to bleed for a very long time and the clotting is delayed," she replied. "Is there any chance that I have hemophilia?"

"Hmm," the doctor said, "Hemophilia is an inheritable disease, normally affecting only males but it is possible for women to transmit it to their male children. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"

Suzie started making some mental calculations and replied, "About $1000 on an average."

Lawyer jokes-Location of right foot

Absolutely hilarious exchange of words in court

Lawyer: Please tell the court the location of your left foot immediately before the impact.

Defendant : Immediately before the impact, my left foot was located at the immediate end of my left leg.

Hilarious jokes-World famous painter

Remo, who was a painter of international repute, started losing his eyesight in the prime of his career. Naturally, he was very worried about the problem which would ultimately destroy his career, so he went to see Dr. Mehta, who was considered one of the best eye surgeons in the world.

Dr. Mehta put in his best efforts and after several days of delicate surgery and therapy, Remo's eyesight was restored. Remo was so overwhelmed and thankful, that he decided to show his appreciation by repainting the doctor's entire office.

Remo painted a massive eye on one of the walls of Dr. Mehta's office. After completing his work, the painter held a press conference to disclose his latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, a reporter asked Dr. Mehta, "What were your first thoughts when you saw your newly painted office, particularly that large eye on the wall?"

The doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank Heavens I'm not a proctologist.'"

Funny jokes-LA Police woman

Reggie : Do you know about this LA police woman who works part-time as a stripper?

Archie: Well, I do hear about some people having double identities.

Reggie: You know this LA policewoman's t-shirt says,
"LAPD" on the front
and
"ANCE" on the back.

Equal partners

Overheard at the Maonyesho Saba Saba Fair in Tanzania, "If a husband claims that he and his wife are equal partners, then he is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge."

Really funny jokes-Pillsbury Doughboy's Obituary

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 75. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The grave-site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes.

Obituary kindly sent in by Johnny.