Temptation

Ron's terribly overweight and his doctor put him on a diet plan. His wife Carla has to keep an eye on him so he doesn't indulge himself.

On his birthday, he helps himself to a large piece of chocolate cake, and his wife reprimands him for asking for me.

Ron protests, "Don't you see, I can resist everything except temptation."

Really funny jokes-Calm and confident

Sunny and Logan were shipwrecked on a remote island. After 2 days, Sunny realized there's no way out of the island and began sobbing. He cried, "There's no food or water here. We are going to die!"

Logan, who was resting against a palm tree, seemed to be calm and composed. Seeing Logan so relaxed, Sunny yelled at him. "Don't you understand? We are going to die!!"

Logan replied, "You don't understand, I make $250,000 a week."

Sunny stared at him in disbelief and asked, "How does it matter?? We're on this god-forsaken island with no food and no water! We're so going to die!!!"

Logan said, "You're not getting it. I earn $250,000 a week and I give 20% to charity. My pastor will find me!"

Short funny jokes-Fit more pigs

Laurel: How do I fit more pigs in my farm?

Hardy: Build a sty-scraper!

Court room humor

Hilarious courtroom exchange

Lawyer: Did he pick the pug up by the ears?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: What was he doing with the pug's ears?
Witness: Lifting them up in the air.

Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?
Witness: Connected to the ears.

Really funny jokes-Efficiency consultant

An efficiency consultant submitted his report of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony No. 8 in B minor:

# All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be reduced.

# For a considerable period of time, above players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.

# No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.

# The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.

Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.

Light bulb jokes-Veterinarians

How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!

Mother-in-law's dentures

Reena, who hailed from a small town in Punjab, moved to New Delhi to live with her daughter and son-in-law. Since she was not keeping well lately, her daughter suggested she move into their home in the city. She brought along most of her treasured possessions which included a small box with five broken teeth from her dentures.

Once settled in the new environment, she asked her son-in-law, Dev where she could get her dentures mended.

Dev offered, "Give them to me and I'll take them to a dentist."

Reena gave her little box containing the teeth to Dev who took them to a dental lab.

He asked the technician how long it would take to mend the dentures, to which the technician replied, "About an hour."

Dev tells him, "I'll do some shopping and collect the dentures on my way back."

When Dev returns to the lab, the technician hands him a plastic bag and his mother-in-law's little box. He says, "I'm sorry I could only fit five of the teeth to the denture."

"Oh!" exclaims Dev,"and what happened to the sixth one?"

"It's here in the box," answers the technician, showing it to Dev. "Fitting the teeth is easy but it's impossible to fit this peanut."

Chemical formula for Ice

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for Water?

Little Johnny: It's H2O

Teacher: Good! Can you tell me the chemical formula for ice?

Little Johnny: It's H2O cubed.

Funny jokes-Good morning!

How to identify students when the professor walks into the class and says good morning.

* If the students say good morning back, they are Freshmen.
* If the students put their newspapers down and open their books, they are Sophomores.
* If they look up so they can see the professor over the tops of the newspapers, they are Juniors.
* If they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they are Seniors.
* If they write it down, they are Graduate students.

Short funny jokes-Doctor in court

A Lawyer was addressing a doctor in court.

Lawyer: Dr. Kirby, did you say the victim was stabbed in the jungle?

Doctor Kirby: No, I said he was stabbed in the lumbar region.

Funny jokes-Ship going down!

A deluxe cruise liner was sinking. The captain had to persuade the passengers of every country very tactfully to jump into the sea.

He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."

Teacher jokes-Sleeping student

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"

The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

Short funny jokes-Room service

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait, someone else is using it."

Clean jokes-Long distance

Laurel: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?

Hardy: To take a nap?

Laurel: No, to make a long-distance caw.