Hilarious jokes-The Optometrist's training

An optometrist was giving training to his new employee, explaining to her how to charge different customers.

At the time you are fitting the glasses, if the customer asks you how much they cost, tell him
- "$100".

If his eyes don't quiver tell him
- "For the frames. The lenses will be $25"

If his eyes still don't quiver, just add
- "Each"

Really funny jokes-Statistically speaking

Pete, a statistics student, while driving his car, had a habit of accelerating hard before arriving at any traffic junction, zoom past it, then slow down again once he had passed it.

One day, he gave a lift to an acquaintance, who was panic-stricken by Pete's manner of driving, and asked him what made him hurry over the junctions.

Pete replied, "If you look at it statistically, you are far more prone to have an accident at a junction, so I ensure that I spend the least time there."

Hilarious jokes-Razorback hogs

President Obama was back in Washington DC after a tour and as he got down from the helicopter in front of the White House, his staff noticed he was carrying 2 baby piglets, one under each arm.

The alert security guard salutes and says, "Nice pigs, Sir."

Obama replies, "You are mistaking them for pigs. These are genuine Razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and the other for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The security guard salutes, and comments: "Brilliant trade, sir."

Teacher jokes-Classroom

A geography teacher entered the class and the children greeted in chorus: “Good morning, sir.”

The Teacher greeted them back saying, “Good morning, students. Now where were we yesterday?”

A back-bencher promptly answered, “Right here in this classroom, sir.”

Hilarious jokes-Lab experiment

On entering a lab, if you see an experiment, how will you determine which class it pertains to?

The answer is simple:

If it is green and wiggles, it has to be Biology.

If it stinks, it has to be Chemistry.

If it doesn't work, then you know it's Physics.

Really funny jokes-Wife or mistress?

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with both of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

Short funny jokes-Robots

In about 50 years, Robots will be doing most of the work which human do not like to do; especially illegal robots from Mexico.

Hilarious jokes-Air traffic controllers

What do air traffic controllers and pilots have in common?

If a pilot does a goof-up, the pilot dies.
If Air Traffic Control does a goof-up, the pilot dies.

New Federal Aviation Administration motto:
'We're not happy till you're not happy.'

Aviation jokes-Basic Flying Rules

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Light bulb jokes-Nurses

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, as they simply have a nursing assistant to do it.
As many as the doctor orders.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend five hours in the waiting room.

Short funny jokes-Two sticks

Can you imagine a guy so dumb that his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

Funny jokes-Harley and dog

Do you know the difference between a Harley Davidson and a dog?

The dog can get in the back of the pickup truck by itself.

Just a smile

An income tax officer entered Andrew's office one morning and asked for his account books. Andrew was hesitant and upset as he was not sure of his accounts. The Income tax officer, an old hand at this game, guessed what was going on in Andrew’s mind and tried to sooth him: “Mr. Andrew, you are living in a great democratic country and doing good business without any trouble. In return, your country expects you to pay your taxes with a smile, is it too much?”

Andrew (relieved): “With a smile? Thank god for small mercies, I thought it will have to be cash.”

Clean jokes-Fifty thousand dollars for a Dog

An economist had finished his day at work and was leaving for home, when he noticed a small boy call out to him from the footpath where he was sitting with a dog. The boy said, "Sir, would you like to buy a dog."

The economist was surprised by the approach, but asked nevertheless, "How much are you selling the dog for?"

The boy replied "Twenty thousand dollars."

"Twenty thousand dollars for this dog!" the economist exclaimed. "Does he know any special tricks to make him worth so much money?"

The boy replied, "Sir, this dog never made a dime in his life. If you take into consideration the expenses on his food, I think you will lose money on him every year."

The economist did not want to let go the opportunity to lecture the boy about the principles of economics and explained to him the fact that a commodity needed to yield more returns than it consumed to equal a purchase price. He finished by saying that the five dollars could be the maximum sum that should be expected for the dog, that too from somebody who just wanted a companion. Feeling satisfied with the knowledge that he had imparted to the young boy, the economist went away.

A few days later, the economist again noticed the small boy was again sitting on the footpath but this time there was no dog in sight. He asked the boy, "Did you get the five dollars for your dog?"

The boy said, "No, I got twenty thousand dollars for him."

The business man was stunned. "How on earth did you get twenty thousand dollars for that dog?" he asked.

"It was a piece of cake," replied the boy. "I traded him for two ten thousand dollar cats."