Hilarious jokes-Carry a flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Sarsar jokes-Offence

A ventriloquist was performing on a stage making fun of one and all in the audience. Suddenly a Sardar from the audience shouted at the stage: “You there, you have made enough fun of us, Sardars. Stop it, or I will have to stop it for you.”

The ventriloquist was taken aback. Still he tried to sooth the enraged Sardar: “Easy man, take it easy. There is no disrespect meant. Jokes are jokes after all.”

Sardar: “You keep out of it. I am talking to the little fellow hanging from your hand.”

Really funny jokes-Morty the producer

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."

Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people making love and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.

"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.

When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid."

"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!"

Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"

"Yes," says Morty.

"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."

Very funny jokes-Bird dog

Have you heard about two Swedish pals who claimed they were hunters? Once they decided to go to Norway and buy a bird dog. When they found the shop, they decide to test the dog. They did and the result was disastrous. They felt their journey to Norway was in vain.

One friend: “This is deceit. We might as well return the animal. Let us drop this idea of buying a bird dog.”

Second friend: “Yeah pal, you are right. We will make one more attempt and throw the dog in air one last time. If he doesn’t fly this time too, we will leave him alone and return.”

Funny jokes-Very cold

An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”

Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”

The old woman: “I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.”

Office jokes-Opposed

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

Really funny jokes-Brain transplantation

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantation asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Funny jokes-Hearing problem in kitchen

Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “

Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes Joe?"

Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”

Silence - no reply.

Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”

No reply.

Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”

James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”

SMS jokes-Talent test

A Question asked in a Talent Test:
If You Are Married To 1 Of The Twin Sisters, How wud You Recognize Your WIFE?

The Best Answer
- Why d Hell Should I recognize?

Very funny jokes-Cost of Marriage

Marriage is an institution which teaches you to adjust, keep quiet, have patience, control your temper, remain faithful, to forgive and many more virtues. But its fees are very high. It costs you your freedom.

Good jokes-Satisfying the wife

If you work late hours in office, the wife will say you don’t have time for her.
If you come home early or even in time, the wife will say you don’t have any work in office.

If you have headache at bed time, you don’t love your wife anymore.
If your wife suffers the same problem, she is over worked and tired.

If you are regular at gym, she will say ‘look at your age’ - why bother anymore?
If you don’t go to gym, she will say ‘look at your paunch’ why don’t you take care of yourself?

If you present her with a rose, she will say ‘why this buttering’?
If you don’t, she will say ‘you are not romantic anymore.”

If you suggest a restaurant, she will prefer a movie and vice versa.
If you suggest a movie, she will want to go to a restaurant.

WISDOM: It is not possible to satisfy your wife, leave her alone.

Hilarious jokes-Wife'a accounting

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"

Funny jokes-You might be a cop if

You Might Be a Cop if...

people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.

your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

you believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.

when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.

you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."

you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.

you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.

you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

Nurse jokes-Hazardous

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.
"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."