Funny jokes-Boat for sale

Sven couldn’t pronounce ‘th’. One day he displayed an old car and a bicycle in his compound, stood near the gate and started to shout: “Boat for sale…….. Listen everyone…….. Boat for sale……”

Sven’s neighbor asked: “Hey Sven, where the hell is your boat? I can see only your car and your bicycle.”

Sven: “Yes, they boat are for sale.”

Really funny jokes-Fungal taxonomist

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.

The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been through Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

Good jokes-Questionable morals

You may have heard the following story with Bernard Shaw but you might not have noticed its relevance to insurance.

In a party, Shaw asked a dazzling lady:

'Madam, I'm quite enchanted by your beauty. Would you be willing to spend one night with me if I offered one million dollars?'

After some initial hesitation the lady admitted that she couldn't resist the offer.

Then Shaw asked, 'How about one hundred dollar'?

The lady got very upset. 'What do you think about me?', she yelled. 'Do I look like as someone with so questionable morals?'

'Lady,' Mr. Shaw answered, 'I think, we have agreed upon that, and the only thing to clarify now is the price.'

Bagpiper joke-Gentleman

What's the definition of a gentleman?

Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Funny jokes-Things you don't want to see at the ATM

Things you would NOT want to see happen at the ATM

- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.

- You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

Short funny jokes-Famous French skeleton

Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A: Napoleon bone-apart.

Funny jokes-The new iPad

The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is.

Really funny jokes-Carlson's acquittal

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Celebrity jokes-50 cent

Q: What did Tony yayo say when 50 Cent got a new sweater?
A: G-U-NIT.

Q: Why couldn't G-Unit get on the bus?
A: Because they didn't have 50.

Short funny jokes-No class

What do you do if a bird craps on your car?

Dump her immediately she must have no class!

Funny jokes-Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

SMS jokes-In love

When do you know u r in love?

Ans. When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan

Short funny jokes-Favorite bird

Q: What is a ghost's favorite bird?

A: Scare crow!

Really funny jokes-Eye ear doctor

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"

"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.

"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."

No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"

"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."