Funny jokes-Union House

Attending a union convention in Las Vegas a union lighting man decides to visit a bordello. He goes into the first place, the ladies are lovely, and he asks the Madam, "Is this a union establishment?"

"Why, no, it isn't," the Madam replies.

"Well," the Union Man asks, "what percentage of the take goes to the girl?"

"We split the money, 20 percent to the girl and 80 percent to the house."

Feeling that wasn't a fair split the man left and went to another establishment. Again he asked the same questions and received a similar response. Although not a union house the split rate at this one was 30 percent to the girl and 70 percent to the house.

He continued his trek for some time until, finally, he came upon a Union House. "That's wonderful," he says to the Madam, "and what's the split?"

"We give 80 percent to the girl and keep just 20 percent for the house."

The Man is overjoyed. "Fantastic," he says, finally satisfied. Immediately he spots an attractive young blonde and indicates her to the Madam. "I'd like to have her please," he declares.

"Oh, I'm sure you would," the Madam replies, but she instead redirects him to an aging, overweight woman in the corner, "But I'm afraid Ethel here has seniority."

Celebrity jokes-Trampoline

Q: Why should you watch the morning show "View" with Barbara Walters and Elizabeth Hasselbeck?

A: Tom Cruise is going to be a guest. Instead of the couch, Tom is going to use her stomach as a trampoline!

Really funny jokes-Museum of Natural History

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,“Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are three million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!”

Clean joke-Lifting weights

Q. Why can’t a Skeleton Lift Weights?

A. He’s all bone & no muscle.

Funny jokes-Sports phenomenon

The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors.

Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada?

Funny jokes-The Heart Attack Grill

In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called The Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton.

SMS jokes-Love story of a doctor

luv story of a doctor :D

i was in 12th

she was in 12th

i got into MBBS

she got B.COM

i was doing MBBS

she got M.COM

i was doing MBBS

she got an MBA

i completed MBBS

she got married

i was preparing for M.D entrance

she's the mother of two children

i am doing my MD

her daughter is in class 1

i completed MD n internship

her daughter passed 10th

i have joined a job

the gr8est irony- today is my engagement and her daughter is my wife!!

Really funny jokes-Dogs allowed!

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

Funny jokes-Bad at telling lies

Q: Why are ghosts bad at telling lies ?

A: Because you can see right through them !

Clean jokes-Little Bunny Foo Foo

Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.

Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you THREE chances!"

The next day:

Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.

Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you TWO more chances!"

The next day:

Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you ONE more chance!"

The next day:

Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.

Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I warned you! I gave you three chances, and you didn't behave." She waved her magic wand, and POOF! Little Bunny Foo-Foo turned into a goon.

AND THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:

Hare today, goon tomorrow!

(Usually told in song with appropriate hand movements.)

Good jokes-Story of a King in Africa

The story is told about a king in Africa who had a close friend he grew up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"

"What do you mean, "this is good!" How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you!"

Short funny jokes-Mop

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer...and a mop.

Really funny jokes-Old punster

An old punster made the king the butt of most of his jokes. Consequently, he was loved by the people, but hated by the king.

The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favorite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city:

"By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead."

The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time.

The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun.

The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.

Clean jokes-Enjoy

Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?

Because it’s all play.