Short funny jokes-Street

Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best ?

A: A dead end !

Clean jokes funny-The Piano tuner

A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.

So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.

Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.

After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.

To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."

"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."

"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."

One line jokes-A girl's best friend

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

Really funny jokes-High diving board

A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climbed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.

`What’s the matter? asked the director.

`I can’t jump from that board! said the actor.

`Do you know there’s only one foot of water in that pool?

'Yes', said the director. `We don’t want you to drown, you know.'

Health fitness jokes-Cardiovascular exercise

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Funny jokes-Big Willy

After, Prince William and Kate Middleton tied the knot, Kate has gone on record saying she likes to call her husband "Big Willy". I'll bet her family is glad she's not marrying someone named Richard.

Celebrity jokes-Marry a Billionaire

Q: Why did Anna Nicole Smith marry 80-year old billionaire J. Howard Marshall?

A: Because a successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend!

Really funny jokes-Bet in the bar

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

One line jokes-Pharmacist

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Good jokes-Film directors

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

Really funny jokes-Humor is a high priority

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews:
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults ac ting like children."

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Hilarious jokes-We don't serve snails

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...

'What did you do that for!'

Short political jokes-Opposite of Pro

If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress.

Animal jokes-New Year's resolution for Dogs

New Year's resolution for Dogs

* I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
* I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.
* I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am haemorrhaging.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.