Really funny jokes-Royals fan

A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs allowed in the bar."

"Oh please?," begs the customer. You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals."

"You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!"

Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?"

"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I 've only had him for five years."

One line jokes-Journey of a hundred miles

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

Hilarious jokes-Queen Elizabeth

A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.

When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, "It wasn't me was it?"

Funny jokes-Useful tips for becoming a Superhero

Thinking of becoming a superhero? Here are some useful pointers.

1. Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.

2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.

3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

4. Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredibleman.

5. But don't labor the point, e.g. Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil.

7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is self-control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.

9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.

10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.

11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.

12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable-to-Strontium 90.

13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.

Knock knock jokes-Interrupting

Knock knock
Who's there?
An interrupting sheep.
An interrupting shee..
BAAAAAAAAAAAA.


Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c...
MOOOOOOO!!!

Really funny jokes-Vampires in a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

Blonde jokes-See a dollar

Superman, Santa Clause, and a blonde are walking along and see a dollar lying on the sidewalk.
Who picks it up first?

The blonde, because the other two don't exist!

Celebrity jokes-Three hours fast!

Prince William’s watch is three hours fast and they can't fix it. So he’s going to move to New York.

Good jokes-Complimented

We got to a point in our relationship where she asked me for a reason for her to stay with me...

I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...

She said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were crass. So was her handbag...we broke up.

Political jokes-Operation Regret

"The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it's part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'"
- Jimmy Fallon

Funny jokes-Searching for an Accountant

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

Really funny jokes-Bragging about girlfriend

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."

To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."

History jokes-Stand up in boat

When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?

He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !

Hilarious jokes-Updates on Facebook

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."