Celebrity jokes-Three hours fast!

Prince William’s watch is three hours fast and they can't fix it. So he’s going to move to New York.

Good jokes-Complimented

We got to a point in our relationship where she asked me for a reason for her to stay with me...

I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...

She said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were crass. So was her handbag...we broke up.

Political jokes-Operation Regret

"The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it's part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'"
- Jimmy Fallon

Funny jokes-Searching for an Accountant

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

Really funny jokes-Bragging about girlfriend

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."

To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."

History jokes-Stand up in boat

When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?

He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !

Hilarious jokes-Updates on Facebook

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."

Clean jokes-Smart phone

Facebook is supposedly developing a new smart phone. If it's really smart it won't be letting it's users spend so much time on Facebook.

Superhero jokes-Bigamy

What did Superman say when he married two Women on the same day?
"That's mighty bigamy!"

What did Lex Luthor say when he did the same thing, then killed the women?
"That's awful bigamy!"

Short funny jokes-Timeline

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it "Billy," then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, "Anyone else want to complain about the new Facebook Timeline?"
-Jimmy Fallon

Funny jokes-Work out regimen

Now since I’ve started my work out regimen, I’ve lost 190 pounds.

I got divorced.

Really funny jokes-Heart transplant

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."

Good jokes-Attitude toward whisky

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

Short funny jokes-Harry Potter stories

I'm having trouble getting into the Harry Potter stories; I can believe in flying broomsticks and magic spells but a ginger kid with two friends?