Hilarious jokes-Updates on Facebook

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."

Clean jokes-Smart phone

Facebook is supposedly developing a new smart phone. If it's really smart it won't be letting it's users spend so much time on Facebook.

Superhero jokes-Bigamy

What did Superman say when he married two Women on the same day?
"That's mighty bigamy!"

What did Lex Luthor say when he did the same thing, then killed the women?
"That's awful bigamy!"

Short funny jokes-Timeline

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it "Billy," then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, "Anyone else want to complain about the new Facebook Timeline?"
-Jimmy Fallon

Funny jokes-Work out regimen

Now since I’ve started my work out regimen, I’ve lost 190 pounds.

I got divorced.

Really funny jokes-Heart transplant

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."

Good jokes-Attitude toward whisky

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

Short funny jokes-Harry Potter stories

I'm having trouble getting into the Harry Potter stories; I can believe in flying broomsticks and magic spells but a ginger kid with two friends?

New Year's Resolutions for Him and Her

New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HER

Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)

Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week

Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote

Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list

Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance

Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER

Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week

Hilarious jokes-The seventh child

Dying Husband asks his wife:" Our 7th child always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?
wife(crying) : yes..............
husband : who?
Wife: You.........................

Knock knock jokes-Too many queations

Knock knock
Who's there?
Howe-wenwat-wai
How, when, what, why, who?
You ask too many questions! Forget it.

Really funny jokes-Taking pictures

The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.

"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.

"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.

Celebrity jokes-Down under

After their wedding, Prince William and Kate have announced that they'll be going "down under" to celebrate. They also plan to take a honeymoon; I think they said in Australia.

Funny jokes-Never drink water

An army major went to a doctor because of his failing health. After thorough check up the doctor announced: “Hydropsy.”

“And what is Hydropsy?” The major asked.

Doctor: “There is more water in your body than is good for you.”

The major was a ‘whiskey-on-rocks’ guy. He exclaimed: “Water and me? My dear doctor, I will have you know that I never drink water.” And as an afterthought added: “It must have been all that ice.”