New Year's Resolutions for Him and Her

New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HER

Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)

Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week

Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote

Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list

Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance

Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER

Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week

Hilarious jokes-The seventh child

Dying Husband asks his wife:" Our 7th child always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?
wife(crying) : yes..............
husband : who?
Wife: You.........................

Knock knock jokes-Too many queations

Knock knock
Who's there?
Howe-wenwat-wai
How, when, what, why, who?
You ask too many questions! Forget it.

Really funny jokes-Taking pictures

The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.

"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.

"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.

Celebrity jokes-Down under

After their wedding, Prince William and Kate have announced that they'll be going "down under" to celebrate. They also plan to take a honeymoon; I think they said in Australia.

Funny jokes-Never drink water

An army major went to a doctor because of his failing health. After thorough check up the doctor announced: “Hydropsy.”

“And what is Hydropsy?” The major asked.

Doctor: “There is more water in your body than is good for you.”

The major was a ‘whiskey-on-rocks’ guy. He exclaimed: “Water and me? My dear doctor, I will have you know that I never drink water.” And as an afterthought added: “It must have been all that ice.”

Really funny jokes-Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"Happy New Year

New Year jokes-Optimist and Pessimist

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Funny New Year jokes-Prayer For the Elderly

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

One line jokes-Dinosaur arms

If my mom’s arms were dinosaurs, they’d be tricepaflops.

Funny kids jokes-Twins

When my daughter asked about two look-alike classmates at her school, I told her that were probably twins. The next day, she came home from school all excited and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"

Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.

Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.

She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.

Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0

'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.

Really funny jokes-Smart people

If you buy a Car or a House on Loan & don`t repay . . . . . . . . .the Bank takes it away.

Now, smart People are taking loans for MARRIAGE!

Funny New Year jokes-Quit smoking

Dave, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Kevin, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Kevin responds.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Dave with a grin.

'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Kevin.

'Yeah,' laughs Dave, 'I've quit buying.'