Funny jokes-Never drink water

An army major went to a doctor because of his failing health. After thorough check up the doctor announced: “Hydropsy.”

“And what is Hydropsy?” The major asked.

Doctor: “There is more water in your body than is good for you.”

The major was a ‘whiskey-on-rocks’ guy. He exclaimed: “Water and me? My dear doctor, I will have you know that I never drink water.” And as an afterthought added: “It must have been all that ice.”

Really funny jokes-Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"Happy New Year

New Year jokes-Optimist and Pessimist

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Funny New Year jokes-Prayer For the Elderly

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

One line jokes-Dinosaur arms

If my mom’s arms were dinosaurs, they’d be tricepaflops.

Funny kids jokes-Twins

When my daughter asked about two look-alike classmates at her school, I told her that were probably twins. The next day, she came home from school all excited and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"

Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.

Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.

She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.

Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0

'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.

Really funny jokes-Smart people

If you buy a Car or a House on Loan & don`t repay . . . . . . . . .the Bank takes it away.

Now, smart People are taking loans for MARRIAGE!

Funny New Year jokes-Quit smoking

Dave, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Kevin, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Kevin responds.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Dave with a grin.

'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Kevin.

'Yeah,' laughs Dave, 'I've quit buying.'

Really funny jokes-Pope buying on eBay

How does the pope buy things on eBay?

He uses his papal account!

Funny New Year jokes-One person who makes life worth living

On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Hilarious jokes-Bear arms

Did you hear about the American who got in big trouble after he dismembered a grizzly?

He misunderstood the 2nd amendment when it said he was entitled to bear arms.

Really funny jokes-Spit in the Beer

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.

When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

History jokes-Spanish explorers

The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.

How many galleons did the get to the mile !