Really funny jokes-Extremely drunk

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Obama jokes-New slogan

Q, Whats Obama's new slogan in these tough times?

A. Spare Change You Can Believe In!

Really funny jokes-Good Samaritan

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

One line jokes--History

My teacher reminds me of history She's always repeating herself !

Blonde jokes-Horrific car accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

Good jokes-History repeats itself

Why does history keep repeating itself ?

Because we weren't listening the first time !

Thanksgiving jokes-Eat Turkey

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

They couldn't get the moose in the oven.

Really funny jokes-Fight and lose weight

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Funny jokes-Parking lots

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots".

So the second lady says "I don't know?"

So the first lady says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"

Animal jokes-Trained the human

One lab mouse to another: I've trained that crazy human at last.

How have you done that?

I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

Short funny jokes-Tennis stars

Name two tennis stars who are famous in the hamburger world?

Bjorn Borger and Billie Jean-o's Burger King!

Really funny jokes-Golden wedding anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Thanksgiving jokes-Baseballs

Teacher: "What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?"

Student: "Baseballs."

Teacher: "Baseballs?"

Student: "Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!"

Economy jokes-Funny money

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock and collapse of the Bradford and Bingley in the UK it is clear that the uncertainty has now hit Japan and Ireland.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded; Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.