No Hope

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized:
15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope ... Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope....

Good jokes-See the monkeys

"Hey, Pop," pleaded Angelo, "can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?" "

What's the matter with you?" asked his father. "Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?"

Really funny jokes-Do you want a box?

Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself, so we would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes." The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"

Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose.

After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.

SMS jokes-Apple a day

How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

When you take careful aim.

Laurel and Hardy jokes-Dead or Alive?

Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. All of a sudden, Hardy lost his balance and went tumbling on the ground. Laurel rushed down, reached Hardy who was lying motionless and asked: “You still alive or dead?”

Hardy: “Alive.”

Laurel: “You mostly lie to me. I don’t know whether to trust you or not.”

Hardy: “Then I must be dead. You won’t dare to call me a liar if I were alive.”

Funny jokes-Romantic Gorilla

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, jumped to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.

The nuns met again a week later and one of the nuns asked her friend,"I have one question. Did he sent flowers afterwards...?"

Halloween jokes-Three vampires in a bar

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "

What will you have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

Celebrity jokes-Hair color

Q: Why did Anna Nicole Smith change her hair color from blonde to red?

A: Because red is easier to spell!

Finance jokes-CPA

What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything

What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets.

Really funny jokes-Typical Texas baby

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

Hilarious jokes-Dead Raccoons

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

Short funny jokes-Two tickets

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?

One to get in and one to get out.

Really funny jokes-The lions will eat anything

Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. "Go and clean out the aquarium" he was told.

Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do.

"Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".

So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions.

"Don't worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything".

So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. "I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage.

The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks.

"Fine" comes the reply from one lion.

"And whats the food like?" she asks.

"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".

Hilarious jokes-Auditor

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.