Hilarious jokes-Dead Raccoons

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

Short funny jokes-Two tickets

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?

One to get in and one to get out.

Really funny jokes-The lions will eat anything

Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. "Go and clean out the aquarium" he was told.

Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do.

"Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".

So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions.

"Don't worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything".

So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. "I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage.

The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks.

"Fine" comes the reply from one lion.

"And whats the food like?" she asks.

"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".

Hilarious jokes-Auditor

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

Funny jokes-Spanish lessons

Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street.

"Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin' ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?"

"Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"

Celebrity jokes-Jump off

Q: Why did Britney jump off the building?

A: She thought her maxi pads had wings

Really funny jokes-Noise abatement

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement. The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!" The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"

Short funny jokes-What is a baby?

What is a baby:
A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.

Hilarious jokes-From Mars

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"

The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

Really funny jokes-Suffering accountants

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

Depreciation.

Kids jokes-Entertaining the baby

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.

"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy.

"Where is the baby?" asked his Mum.

"Under the bath."

Redneck jokes-Whole movie

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar. "Let's get out of here!" said Sauer.

"Go on, if'n you want to," said the other redneck. "But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!"

Clean jokes-Loose chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Funny jokes-One up

It is a known fact that Winston Churchill had no time for women, particularly women in politics. Churchill was particularly adverse to one Nancy Ashton, a woman M.P. On one occasion he was particularly nasty to Nancy in the parliament, when Nancy declared openly: "Sir, if I were your wife, I would poison your drinks, mark my words.”

Having already tasted his little victory earlier, Churchill was generous: "And dear lady, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”