Funny jokes-One up

It is a known fact that Winston Churchill had no time for women, particularly women in politics. Churchill was particularly adverse to one Nancy Ashton, a woman M.P. On one occasion he was particularly nasty to Nancy in the parliament, when Nancy declared openly: "Sir, if I were your wife, I would poison your drinks, mark my words.”

Having already tasted his little victory earlier, Churchill was generous: "And dear lady, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”

Really funny jokes-Welcome aboard

From an Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Good jokes-Norwegian Beer Bottles

What does it say at the bottom of Norwegian Beer Bottles?

Open At Other End.

Hilarious jokes-Look in the lion's mouth

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.

"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.

"How do I do that?" he asked.

"Carefully," replied the vet.

Teacher jokes-Comments made by NYC teachers

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When tour daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t here.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

Hilarious jokes-Started with the iPhone

It all started with an iPhone...

My son celebrated his 16th birthday in April,
and I bought him an iPhone. He simply loved it.

I celebrated my birthday in May, and I was really pleased to get an ipad from my wife.

My daughter's birthday was in November, so I got her an iPod Touch.

My wife's birthday was celebrated in February, so I got her an iRon.

It was around that time the fights started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

iHurt

Really funny jokes-Turkey style

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm ... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?"

To which the wife replied, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

Celebrity jokes-Bob Marley

Q. Why did they have so much trouble burying Bob Marley?

A. His coffin kept jammin'

Hilarious jokes-Lost bearings

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.

"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."

"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."

"The cost of what?" asks the pilot. "Of the bearings you lost."

Funny jokes-Baby sitters

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.

Funny jokes-New invention

Sohan and Mohan were discussing Sohan’s new computer.

Sohan: “my new invention is a computer that behaves like human beings.”

Mohan: “How?”

Sohan: “For every mistake it makes, it starts blaming the other computers”

Clean jokes-Watching the the gnu

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later:
MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

Really funny jokes-Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

Kids jokes-Good deed for the day

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day.

"Well, Skip," said the scout, "Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it."