Really funny jokes-A pair of animals

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

SMS jokes-Economics without assumptions

What would Economics be without assumptions?

Accounting.

Funny office jokes-Stolen stock

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.

Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.

After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"

And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."

Short hilarious jokes-In the Zoo

I was in the zoo last week.

Really? Which cage were you in?

Really funny jokes-No sound

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.

They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.

The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.

Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound.

The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted

'Okay, who's got the remote control?'

Political jokes-Sleeps around

What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?

A breeding-heart liberal.

Funny jokes-First accountant

Who was the first accountant?

Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

Really funny jokes-Fish poaching

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.

I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.

After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.

They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.

"Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

One line jokes-Repossessed

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Celebrity jokes-Tom Cruise's offer

Q: Why did People Magazine turn down Tom Cruise's offer to sell pictures of his infant daughter Suri?

A: The editor said "We'd pay 5 million for pictures of Suri's conception, but Tom Cruise isn't in them."

Short funny jokes-Alive in flight

Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.

Hilarious jokes-The Unknown Soldier

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".

The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."

Good jokes-Norwegian in Museum

A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old."

The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."

Funny jokes-The Big Apple

Why did Eve want to move to New York ?

She fell for the Big Apple !