Celebrity jokes-Tom Cruise's offer

Q: Why did People Magazine turn down Tom Cruise's offer to sell pictures of his infant daughter Suri?

A: The editor said "We'd pay 5 million for pictures of Suri's conception, but Tom Cruise isn't in them."

Short funny jokes-Alive in flight

Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.

Hilarious jokes-The Unknown Soldier

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".

The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."

Good jokes-Norwegian in Museum

A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old."

The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."

Funny jokes-The Big Apple

Why did Eve want to move to New York ?

She fell for the Big Apple !

Really funny jokes-Robbery foiled

A robbery at a school in Providencia, Chile was foiled when the pupils laughed at the perpetrator of the crime reports the newspaper Las Ultimas Noticias.

The teachers, pupils and parents had been watching the rehearsal of a play which began with the words, 'This is a robbery'.

The criminal used these words and the audience collapsed in fits of laughter. So taken aback, the robber snatched the registration money and fled from the school into the arms of the police who were on their way having been alerted to the robbery.

More Confucius says

Confucius says

[1] Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.

[2] Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

[3] Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

[4] Man who fish in other mans' well often catch craps.

[5] Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Finance jokes-Bank in trouble

Robyn leaves home for University and after several weeks she turns up at home in quite a distressed state.

'Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice,' she splutters.

'I did?' responds her father, 'What did I tell you?'

Well, you told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in serious trouble,' explains Robyn sniffing.

'What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the whole country,' he remarks, 'there must be some mistake.....'

'I don't think so,' Robyn interrupts, 'They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying, "Insufficient Funds".'

One line jokes-War

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Really funny jokes-Safety briefing

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

Celebrity jokes-Tomkat and Bragelina

Q: Now that Tomkat (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) have had a silent birth everyone's wondering what Brangelina are going to do?

A: Sources say that they are going to have the baby in Africa and adopt it right away.

Short funny jokes-Never ask an accountant

What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?

It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

Really funny jokes-Short runway

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"

The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"

"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "PHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"

Kids jokes-Five stone in two weeks

Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it?

The elephant's!