Really funny jokes-You know you are living in 2011

You know you are living in 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go home and get it !!

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your tea or coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message to.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list !!

Birthday party jokes-Games Rabbits play

What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?

Musical Hares.

Economy jokes-DOW average

Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?

A: They'll add a N to the end of it!

Hilarious jokes-Paralyze

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?

A: He married her.

Really funny jokes-Buffalo come

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".

Celebrity jokes-50 cent's Car

Q: Did you hear about that car 50 Cent sent to his mechanic?

A: The engine was shot...just like everything else.

Funny American jokes-Things You Learn in Texas

Things You Learn in Texas

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

DJeet? means "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

Really funny jokes-Thousands at home

A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.

The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.

The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.

He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."

The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.

The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!

He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."

The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.

The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."

The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.

One line jokes-Extraordinarily patient

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

Hilarious jokes-American Tourists

How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Fifteen.

Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

Really funny jokes-Racehorse doping

Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.

One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.

He went over and said, "Doping?"

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor.

'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.. see?"

The Clerk of the Course said,

"Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."

So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,

"Don't forget the drill.

Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.

Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

Funny jokes-Smash ten bottles

A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:

"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."

The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure.

The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.

"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.

"I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."

Obama jokes-Vice President

Q: Why should Obama have chosen Evan Bayh for Vice President?

A: The name Birch Evans Bayh III makes Barack Hussein Obama sound almost normal.

Really funny jokes-I am rich

O.M.G., I'm rich!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Arse

Iron in the Arteries

And

An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.