Really funny jokes-Buffalo come

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".

Celebrity jokes-50 cent's Car

Q: Did you hear about that car 50 Cent sent to his mechanic?

A: The engine was shot...just like everything else.

Funny American jokes-Things You Learn in Texas

Things You Learn in Texas

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

DJeet? means "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

Really funny jokes-Thousands at home

A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.

The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.

The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.

He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."

The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.

The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!

He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."

The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.

The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."

The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.

One line jokes-Extraordinarily patient

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

Hilarious jokes-American Tourists

How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Fifteen.

Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

Really funny jokes-Racehorse doping

Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.

One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.

He went over and said, "Doping?"

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor.

'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.. see?"

The Clerk of the Course said,

"Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."

So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,

"Don't forget the drill.

Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.

Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

Funny jokes-Smash ten bottles

A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:

"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."

The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure.

The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.

"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.

"I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."

Obama jokes-Vice President

Q: Why should Obama have chosen Evan Bayh for Vice President?

A: The name Birch Evans Bayh III makes Barack Hussein Obama sound almost normal.

Really funny jokes-I am rich

O.M.G., I'm rich!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Arse

Iron in the Arteries

And

An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.

Little Johnny jokes-Filling tank

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

Little Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

Funny jokes-Lantern with a genie

A New Brunswicker, a Quebecer, and a Newfie were walking down the road together and they bumped into a lantern with a genie inside.

Out pops the genie and he says, "I will grant you one wish each. Who wants to go first?"

The New Brunswicker says, "Me, I want to go first."

So the genie replies, "Ok, what is your wish?"

The New Brunswicker said, "My wish is to have a 2-lane highway across New Brunswick, smooth as a baby's arse!"

The genie said, "Poof! There you go. A highway as smooth as a baby's arse!"

The Quebecer pipes up and says, "Well I am going next!

Genie, I want a 20-foot wall around the border of Quebec to keep all the damn Englishmen out!"

Genie, "Poof! There's your 20-foot wall. Now Newfie, it is your turn.

What do you want?"

The Newfie looks at the genie and asks, "Genie, is that wall you just put around Quebec waterproof?"

Genie, "Yep!"

Newfie, "Filler up!"

One line jokes-Cholesterol

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Really funny jokes-Three Spanish tourists

Three Spanish tourists are up in a tree in Mexico when a policeman sees them.

"What are you doing up there?

Come on men, get down. Let's not have any of you falling and getting hurt!"

The guys get down ... "Ok. Now, who are you?"

"Wow, what a memory! We are the Spanish dudes from the tree!"