Funny jokes-Survivor

Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.

Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.

Birthday jokes-Train seat

Why was the stationmaster's son having a cake on a train seat?

It was his berth-day.

Really funny jokes-FIAT

What does FIAT stand for?

* Fix it again Tony

* Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

* Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

* Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights

Clean jokes-Out of the pool

How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool on the hottest day of the summer?

Just yell "Ok now, everyone out of the pool!"

Funny jokes-Hillbilly

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?

The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.

One line jokes-Missing mass of the universe

"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not in cockroaches."
– a New York City tenant.

Hilarious jokes-Birthday party

A lady is throwing a Birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.. a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time.

But the clown hadn't shown up.

After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous.

I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Finance jokes-Sell it all

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

Really funny jokes-Cheerleader

Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?

A. H-E-L-L-O!

Hilarious jokes-Confucius Reexamined

* Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

* Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

* Man with one chopstick go hungry.

* Man who scratches bum should not bite fingernails.

Funny jokes-Lost a thong

Fred sees an old Abo walking down the road, apparently oblivious to the fact that he's wearing only one thong.

"Hey, Jackie" calls out Fred, "You've lost a thong!".

"Nah, mate" says the old Abo, "I've just found one".

Celebrity jokes-Oprah Winfrey virus

Q: What is the Oprah Winfrey virus?

A: Your 250GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 90GB, and then slowly expands to 500GB.

Blonde jokes-Head and shoulders

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

Finance jokes-Yachts

A good old joke: A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.