One line jokes-Paranoids

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

Really funny jokes-A Miracle

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.

"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," said the boy.

SMS jokes-Skeleton

Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?

A. He had no body to talk with!

Funny jokes-Lipstick problem

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Celebrity jokes-Brad and Angelina

Q: What did Brad Pitt say when Angelina brought her mixed race kids and family to Brad's Malibu Mansion?

A: What will the neighbors say?

Really funny jokes-Wee button

Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."

"Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."

About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.

Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did.

Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."

Clean jokes-Empty

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."

That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Short funny jokes-Cheapest time

Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?

A. When they're not home!

Really funny jokes-Confucius says

Confucius says

[1] Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

[2] Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

[3] Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

[4] Boy who goes to sleep with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand.

Lawyer jokes-Winning the case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Cannibal jokes-Wedding party

What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom!

Kids jokes- At the Wedding

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

Really funny jokes-How old are you?

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

Celebrity jokes-Baby boy

Did you hear Britney Spears had a baby boy?

The baby is doing fine, the mother is doing fine, the husband still isn't doing anything at all.