Really funny jokes-Confucius says

Confucius says

[1] Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

[2] Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

[3] Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

[4] Boy who goes to sleep with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand.

Lawyer jokes-Winning the case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Cannibal jokes-Wedding party

What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom!

Kids jokes- At the Wedding

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

Really funny jokes-How old are you?

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

Celebrity jokes-Baby boy

Did you hear Britney Spears had a baby boy?

The baby is doing fine, the mother is doing fine, the husband still isn't doing anything at all.

Funny jokes-Stiff one

"So he asked me what I wanted, and I told him, 'A long, strong, stiff one.'"

"Oh, my!" "Yeah, but you should have seen his face when I said, 'I meant a drink!'"

Obama jokes-Coverage for preexisting conditions

Q: Under Obama's health care plan can you get coverage for preexisting conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment!

Really funny jokes-The confessional box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

One line jokes-Roundest knight

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

Celebrity jokes-Satellite dish

Q: Why did Tom Cruise wear a satellite dish on his head during his wedding with Katie Holmes?

A: To get better reception of the signals from the aliens!

Funny jokes-Angry corpse

How can you tell if a corpse is angry?

It flips its lid!

Really funny jokes-Health insurance policy

A brilliant man goes to the hospital one day. "Doctor, I think I'm too smart. I can’t communicate with other people because nobody else sees things the way I do and it's ruining my social life. Is there anything you can do?”

The doctor performs many tests on the man, and finds that he is too smart for his own good. The doctor tells the man “Your IQ is 250, which is much greater than an average person. Luckily I can help you. I have a machine that will reduce your IQ to 160. You will still be very smart but you should be able to lead a normal life as well."

The man asks to receive the treatment immediately so the doctor straps him into the machine. Right after the doctor turns on the machine he gets a call from his ex-wife and they have a heated argument for several minutes. All of the sudden the doctor remembers his patient and hurriedly turns off the machine, but is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75. The doctor asks, "Are you ok?"

The formerly brilliant man doesn’t respond The doctor shakes him, yelling "Say Something."

The main replies "Can I interest you in a health insurance policy?"

Clean jokes-Telephone and pants

Q. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?

A. Bell-bottoms!