Funny jokes-Signs your girlfriend is going to dump you

Signs Your Girlfriend Is Going To Dump You...

-- Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

-- She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

-- She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

-- She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

-- Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

-- She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

-- Your other girlfriend told you so.

-- The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

-- Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"

Hilarious jokes-Marriage and a mental hospital

Question. What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?

Answer. At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

Really funny jokes-Insulting in an Appreciating Manner

Insulting in an Appreciating Mannerr

"You're so smart, for an American."

"You don't sweat that much for a fat girl!"

"I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice."

"Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"

"Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate."

"You're more of a "street smart" kind of guy."

"You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry."

"You're so evolved…for a man."
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Good jokes-Name of Ranch

Once upon a time, somewhere in Europe, a family with three sons lived on a farm. As the farm was too small to support all of them, and the parents were not yet ready to retire, the sons decided to emigrate to South America, where they bought a ranch and raised beef cattle.

Question: So what did they call their ranch?
Answer: They called it “Focus”, because that’s where the sun’s rays meet (sons raise meat).

Lawyer jokes-Sleeping Juror

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."

The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."

Funny jokes-Cannibal looking peeky

Why was the cannibal looking peeky?

Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

Hilarious jokes-Trap for the husband

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...

No madam, said the gardener…

Really funny jokes-Embarrassing weight problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. 'I am so ashamed, Doctor, she said. I guess I let myself go.

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad.

Do you really think so, Doctor? she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
Of course.... Now just open your mouth and say moo.

Teacher jokes-Hadrians Wall

Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?

Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden miss!

Clean jokes-Sailors

Q. Why didn't the sailors play cards?

A. Because the captain was sitting on the deck.

Really funny jokes-Tombstone Epitaph of Jonathan Pease

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

Good jokes-The autograph book

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.

"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."

Funny jokes-Court case

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."


He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."


After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:

"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."


The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!


'Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."


The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."


In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."


The defendant wrote out a check immediately.


Case closed!

Clean jokes-Tin opener

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?

He had a bee in his suit of armour!