Good jokes-Clever Kid

“Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny “can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.”

Short funny jokes-Favourite prescription

Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?

A: Hail!

Really funny jokes-Thunderstorm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Animal jokes-Cross eyed Rottweiler

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet: “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?”

“Well” said the vet “lets have a look at him”

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at it’s eyes.

“Well” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down”

“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” says the man.

“No, because he’s heavy” says the vet.

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Economy jokes-The disappearing act

Q: Why shouldn't Bernard Madoff be investigated by congress?

A: Because the guy who made 50 billion dollars disappear is being investigated by the guys who made $700 billion dollars disappear!

Short funny jokes-Ketchup in the rain

Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?

A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.

Really funny jokes-Hotline for frogs

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Clean jokes-Mountaineering

Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?

A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

One line jokes-Love isn't blind

Love isn't blind . . . it just has Attention Deficit Disorder.

Really funny jokes-Harmless old hound

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.

“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Hilarious jokes-Baked beans make me fart

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like

this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to

walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large

helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on

him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so

he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from

gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the

table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting

and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was

the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Funny Tombstone Epitaphs-Done by a banana

Tombstone Epitaph

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Really funny jokes-How many States?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.'

One line jokes-Weather wise

Some are weather-wise, some are otherwise.