One line jokes-Love isn't blind

Love isn't blind . . . it just has Attention Deficit Disorder.

Really funny jokes-Harmless old hound

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner.

“Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Hilarious jokes-Baked beans make me fart

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like

this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to

walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large

helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on

him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so

he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from

gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the

table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting

and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was

the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Funny Tombstone Epitaphs-Done by a banana

Tombstone Epitaph

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Really funny jokes-How many States?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.'

One line jokes-Weather wise

Some are weather-wise, some are otherwise.

Funny jokes-George Washington

The difference between a duck and George Washington is:

One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

Really funny jokes-The Star-Spangled Banner

Nicholas took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.

Later, Nicholas and Bryan attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'

Animal jokes-Ride the horse

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Really funny jokes-Fourth of July

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'

Short funny jokes-First Pennsylvania settlers

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?

Because they lived in colonies.

Parable for the 4th of July

Once, in the 1830's, a little boy was playing in the yard behind his house. During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse. Now he was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn't come out until after got dark. When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him. He asked suspiciously, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?"

"No, pappy," the boy lied.

"Well, let me tell you a story," said the father. "Once, not that long ago, Mr Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down. But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother's favorite cherry tree," his pappy paused." just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his pappy asked, 'Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?' Abraham answered with, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.' Then his father said, 'Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.' So," the little boy's father asked again," did you knock down the outhouse?"

"Pappy, I cannot tell a lie any more." said the little boy. "I did indeed knock down the outhouse."

Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, "Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?"

Pappy answered, "That's because Abraham Lincoln's father wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!"

Really funny jokes-Ghost in Bar

What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?

The bartender said "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here"!

Funny jokes-Piano humor

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.

Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.