Funny jokes-George Washington

The difference between a duck and George Washington is:

One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

Really funny jokes-The Star-Spangled Banner

Nicholas took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.

Later, Nicholas and Bryan attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'

Animal jokes-Ride the horse

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Really funny jokes-Fourth of July

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'

Short funny jokes-First Pennsylvania settlers

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?

Because they lived in colonies.

Parable for the 4th of July

Once, in the 1830's, a little boy was playing in the yard behind his house. During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse. Now he was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn't come out until after got dark. When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him. He asked suspiciously, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?"

"No, pappy," the boy lied.

"Well, let me tell you a story," said the father. "Once, not that long ago, Mr Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down. But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother's favorite cherry tree," his pappy paused." just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his pappy asked, 'Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?' Abraham answered with, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.' Then his father said, 'Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.' So," the little boy's father asked again," did you knock down the outhouse?"

"Pappy, I cannot tell a lie any more." said the little boy. "I did indeed knock down the outhouse."

Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, "Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?"

Pappy answered, "That's because Abraham Lincoln's father wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!"

Really funny jokes-Ghost in Bar

What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?

The bartender said "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here"!

Funny jokes-Piano humor

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.

Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.

One line jokes-So lazy

My son is so lazy he won’t empty the trash in the computer recycle bin!

Really funny jokes-Newspaper boy

A newspaper boy was standing on the corner with a large pile of papers, shouting, "Read all about it. Twenty five people cheated. Twenty five people cheated."

Intrigued, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newspaper boy ignored him and went on yelling out, "Read all about it. Twenty six people cheated."

SMS jokes-Vegetarian shark

What does a vegetarian shark eat?

Lady's fingers!

Funny jokes-Guitar and tuna fish

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?

A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Clean jokes-Golf pro

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.

He said, 'Just give me two gotchas."

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'

Really funny jokes-Contacting a friend

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"