Really funny jokes-The guillotine

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"

Short humor jokes-Vampires

What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?

A coffin break!

Hilarious jokes-Sympathizers

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?

A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Funny jokes-Computer Heaven and Hell

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.


In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Cannibal jokes-Mike Tyson

Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?

He thought he would give him a paunch!

Really funny jokes-If Life were like a Computer

If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

One line jokes-Professional football

Any sports fan can tell you the most brutal thing about professional football is the price of the tickets.

Good jokes-Better programmer

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

Short funny jokes-Violin and Viola

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.

Hilarious jokes-Wassup

Three kids were walking down a road in the countryside.

You could clearly make out how much they were influenced by chat/SMS lingo when they passed a stray dog and one of them asked it, "Wassup?"

As the other two smiled, he answered for the dog, "NM*," and they continued walking.

When they reached the next dog, he again said, "Wassup," and also supplied the answering, "NM."

By the time he did this with the fourth dog, his friends were openly sniggering.

But when he passed over the fifth dog to go "Wassup?" at the sixth, they pulled his elbow and asked him why he'd left the previous one out.

"Oh," he shrugged, "that one is offline."

Really funny jokes-Violin lessons

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

Clean jokes-Windows

Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside!"

Funny jokes-New Beer

A beer company decided to make a new beer, very modern and non-traditional. They looked at all the ingredients, and decided to keep with malted barley and water, but do

away with hops, because the hops they used were very bitter.

The new beer proved to be much healthier, and they were confident that they had a winner on their hands.

However, after the new beer launched, it completely bombed in the market.

Why?

Customers said it was completely hopless.

Adult jokes-Run away

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?

He didn’t like the way he was being reared.