Really funny jokes-If Life were like a Computer

If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

One line jokes-Professional football

Any sports fan can tell you the most brutal thing about professional football is the price of the tickets.

Good jokes-Better programmer

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

Short funny jokes-Violin and Viola

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.

Hilarious jokes-Wassup

Three kids were walking down a road in the countryside.

You could clearly make out how much they were influenced by chat/SMS lingo when they passed a stray dog and one of them asked it, "Wassup?"

As the other two smiled, he answered for the dog, "NM*," and they continued walking.

When they reached the next dog, he again said, "Wassup," and also supplied the answering, "NM."

By the time he did this with the fourth dog, his friends were openly sniggering.

But when he passed over the fifth dog to go "Wassup?" at the sixth, they pulled his elbow and asked him why he'd left the previous one out.

"Oh," he shrugged, "that one is offline."

Really funny jokes-Violin lessons

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

Clean jokes-Windows

Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside!"

Funny jokes-New Beer

A beer company decided to make a new beer, very modern and non-traditional. They looked at all the ingredients, and decided to keep with malted barley and water, but do

away with hops, because the hops they used were very bitter.

The new beer proved to be much healthier, and they were confident that they had a winner on their hands.

However, after the new beer launched, it completely bombed in the market.

Why?

Customers said it was completely hopless.

Adult jokes-Run away

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?

He didn’t like the way he was being reared.

Really funny jokes-The Family Feud

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show
Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK):

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sis

One line jokes-Hardened

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Hilarious jokes-What is generation Y?

What is generation Y?

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2011

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

And I always thought it was because they say...

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

Funny jokes-Tombstone Epitaphs

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

Really funny jokes-Insurance policy for Car

The man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the insurance company and asked for the list.

First there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed that there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50!

So, he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'

So, the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.'