Really funny jokes-The Family Feud

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show
Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK):

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sis

One line jokes-Hardened

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Hilarious jokes-What is generation Y?

What is generation Y?

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2011

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

And I always thought it was because they say...

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

Funny jokes-Tombstone Epitaphs

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

Really funny jokes-Insurance policy for Car

The man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the insurance company and asked for the list.

First there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed that there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50!

So, he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'

So, the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.'

One line jokes-For a run

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

Funny jokes-Ways to spend the $250 million powerball jackpot

Some Ways To Spend The $250 Million Powerball Jackpot

-- A twinkie for everyone in the country.

-- Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.

-- Get yourself one a' them "Pentagon quality" toilet bowls.

-- Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you're still not rich.

-- At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!

-- Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.

-- Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding.

-- Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!

Redneck jokes-Fire in Library

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?

A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Really funny jokes-Man rules!

Man Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules" from the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Finance jokes-Stock analysts

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Really funny jokes-Sam and Abe

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

One line jokes-Raising teenagers

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

Good jokes-Reason for having two wives

THE REASON FOR HAVING TWO WIVES

Monopoly is always damaging

&

Competition improves service

Yo Mama-So Greasy

Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.