Funny jokes-Ways to spend the $250 million powerball jackpot

Some Ways To Spend The $250 Million Powerball Jackpot

-- A twinkie for everyone in the country.

-- Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.

-- Get yourself one a' them "Pentagon quality" toilet bowls.

-- Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you're still not rich.

-- At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!

-- Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.

-- Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding.

-- Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!

Redneck jokes-Fire in Library

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?

A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Really funny jokes-Man rules!

Man Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules" from the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Finance jokes-Stock analysts

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Really funny jokes-Sam and Abe

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

One line jokes-Raising teenagers

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

Good jokes-Reason for having two wives

THE REASON FOR HAVING TWO WIVES

Monopoly is always damaging

&

Competition improves service

Yo Mama-So Greasy

Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.

Really funny jokes-Math Proficiency exam

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME ____________________

GANG NAME _________________

TAG ____________________

HOOD ____________________


1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?

7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?

10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

Animal jokes-Nuts

Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry

Funny jokes-LSD and Birth control

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?

A: A trip without the kids.

Blonde jokes-Limo

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?

Not everybody has been in a limo.

Really funny jokes-All my intellegence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

One line jokes-Learning to speak Spanish

I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.