THE REASON FOR HAVING TWO WIVES
Monopoly is always damaging
&
Competition improves service
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Yo Mama-So Greasy
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Really funny jokes-Math Proficiency exam
THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME ____________________
GANG NAME _________________
TAG ____________________
HOOD ____________________
1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
NAME ____________________
GANG NAME _________________
TAG ____________________
HOOD ____________________
1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Funny jokes-LSD and Birth control
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.
A: A trip without the kids.
Blonde jokes-Limo
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.
Not everybody has been in a limo.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Really funny jokes-All my intellegence
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."
The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."
One line jokes-Learning to speak Spanish
I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Really funny jokes-Traffic summons
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Animal jokes-Pit bull
A dog owner had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.....the owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a bottomless pit!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Good jokes-Terms to know
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Funny jokes-Two muffins
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy cow it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "Holy cow... A talking muffin!"
The other muffin says, "Holy cow... A talking muffin!"
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Insurance jokes-Financial Hardship
One day, an American insurance company received a letter from a lady saying that unfortunately they have to cancel her husband's life insurance policy.
'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since my dear husband's sudden death last year we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore'.
'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since my dear husband's sudden death last year we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore'.
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