Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Really funny jokes-Traffic summons
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Animal jokes-Pit bull
A dog owner had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.....the owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a bottomless pit!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Good jokes-Terms to know
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Funny jokes-Two muffins
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy cow it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "Holy cow... A talking muffin!"
The other muffin says, "Holy cow... A talking muffin!"
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Insurance jokes-Financial Hardship
One day, an American insurance company received a letter from a lady saying that unfortunately they have to cancel her husband's life insurance policy.
'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since my dear husband's sudden death last year we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore'.
'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since my dear husband's sudden death last year we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore'.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Really funny jokes-Boyfriends named Leroy
Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Short funny jokes-Discount
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Really funny jokes-More Liberal Pick-Up Lines
The Top 10 Liberal Pick-Up Lines
You sure you're not Joy Behar? Cause I'm really digging the view.
The caribou are rapidly disappearing. Mind if I look for them under your skirt?
Mandate your coverage? I mandate you get uncovered.
Why don't you come back to my place and I'll show you my stimulus package.
I'm Pro-Choice, so you can choose to be on top or bottom.
Let's hop in my electric car and let the sparks fly.
I saw you across the room, and thought, "I'd like to have him help me get my first abortion."
You're so hot, you should be banned by the Kyoto Treaty.
My wife just doesn't understand me. She's the Secretary of State, and travels all the time.
You sure you're not Joy Behar? Cause I'm really digging the view.
The caribou are rapidly disappearing. Mind if I look for them under your skirt?
Mandate your coverage? I mandate you get uncovered.
Why don't you come back to my place and I'll show you my stimulus package.
I'm Pro-Choice, so you can choose to be on top or bottom.
Let's hop in my electric car and let the sparks fly.
I saw you across the room, and thought, "I'd like to have him help me get my first abortion."
You're so hot, you should be banned by the Kyoto Treaty.
My wife just doesn't understand me. She's the Secretary of State, and travels all the time.
Funny jokes-The ultimate rejection letter
The ultimate rejection letter
Herbert MillingtonChair - Search Committee, Whitson University, College Hill, MA
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
Herbert MillingtonChair - Search Committee, Whitson University, College Hill, MA
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
Teacher jokes-Definitely
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue".
The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."
So the student replies, "Then I definitely soiled my pants."
The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue".
The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."
So the student replies, "Then I definitely soiled my pants."
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Really funny jokes-Liberal Pick up Lines
* Your Birkenstocks must stink, cause you've been nature-hiking through my mind all day.
* You had me at "Mao."
* We're both workers, of the world ......let's "Unite"
* Hey honey, wanna come back to my place and test my emissions?
* My pants need a bailout. can you help?
* I'd love to to get you in a see-through dress. I'm a firm believer in transparency.
* I'm a Women's Studies major, so if you would take off your clothes I'd appreciate it.
* You are so hot. The science is settled.
* Darlin' you stole my heart the same way George Bush stole the election in 2000
* Ooo, baby...I'd love to warm your globes.
* You had me at "Mao."
* We're both workers, of the world ......let's "Unite"
* Hey honey, wanna come back to my place and test my emissions?
* My pants need a bailout. can you help?
* I'd love to to get you in a see-through dress. I'm a firm believer in transparency.
* I'm a Women's Studies major, so if you would take off your clothes I'd appreciate it.
* You are so hot. The science is settled.
* Darlin' you stole my heart the same way George Bush stole the election in 2000
* Ooo, baby...I'd love to warm your globes.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Funny jokes-Rifle for husband
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
It's for my husband, she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.
Are you kidding? she says. He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!
It's for my husband, she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.
Are you kidding? she says. He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!
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