One line jokes-Great healer

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Hilarious jokes-Beer contains female hormones!

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

....yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Short funny jokes-Two fish

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Really funny jokes-Strange habit

A farmer’s horse dies and he heads into town to buy a replacement.

He heads to the local horse dealer to see what’s available. He looks at several fine horses but they are all way beyond what he can afford. He explains his predicament to the dealer who tells him, “Come around back, I think I may have something for you”

He shows him a horse that while not as impressive as those out front, seems to be healthy and strong. And the price is less than half the others.

“Before I can sell you this horse,” explains the dealer, “There’s something I have to tell you”

“I knew there had to be a catch” said the farmer, “What is it?”

“Well, this horse likes to sit on banana peels.” said the dealer. “If he sees a banana peel anywhere, he’ll sit on it and you won’t be able to budge him for half an hour”

The farmer thinks this over for a while and decides that it’s pretty unlikely he’ll come across too many banana skins, so he agrees to buy the horse.

He saddles it up and heads for home. A few miles down the trail the farmer is feeling pretty good about the whole deal, the horse is sure footed and responds well to the reins. He figures he got a good bargain.

Suddenly, up ahead, he spies something yellow on the ground. As they get closer he realizes that it’s a banana peel. The trail is too narrow to go around the banana peel so he decides to cross to the trail on the other side of the river. He steers the horse into the river and they start to cross.

Halfway across the river the horse suddenly sits down and the farmer is thrown into the water cracking his head on a rock.

Nothing the farmer can do will get the horse on it’s feet again. Soaking wet, bleeding and shivering with cold, the farmer wades to the other bank.

Half an hour later the horse gets back on its feet and walks to shore. The farmer rides it back to the farm without incident.

The next time the farmer is in town, the dealer sees him and asks how he’s making out with his new horse.

“Terrible!” says the farmer. He points to the gash on his head and tells him the story of what happened in the river.

The dealer smacks his hand to his forehead and says…

“Oh! I forgot to tell you! He sits on fish too”

Redneck jokes-Married

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?

There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Really funny jokes-Overloading

A man driving home late at night in his Volkswagen beetle car was stopped by by policemen on patrol.

The police asked the man to produce his car document.

When they could not fault the document, the next question to the man was: "My friend, do you realize that you committed a criminal offense by driving alone in this car at late night?"

The man became angry and responded: "How could you say that? God the father, the son and holy spirit, prophet Elijah and Angels Micheal and Gabriel are all with me in the Car."

The policeman replied: "You mean, all these people are in this small car? I charge you for overloading!"

Finance jokes-Stockbroker or fisherman?

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

Funny jokes-Wanted!

* Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* Wanted: Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.

Really funny jokes-Defining a Will

What's the definition of a will?

It's a dead giveaway.

Health jokes-Age is catching up

I know age is catching up with me when

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

Funny jokes-Christmas invitation

It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray.

He said: "But I do not know what to say."

She said: "Say what I said this morning."

So he said: "Dear God, why did I invite all these people to my house?"

Really funny jokes-Almost got caught

The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser.

So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss making passionate love to his wife.

The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept right on working. One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home? The boss has already left for the day".

Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught".

Clean jokes-Selling Cheezels

Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Ireland selling Cheezels?

He sold them as doughnut seeds.

Funny jokes-Fire prevention alarm system

Fire investigators on Maui, Hawaii, USA, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month: a short circuit in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

'This is even worse than last year,' said the distraught homeowner, 'when someone broke in and stole my new security system.'