Funny jokes-Christmas invitation

It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray.

He said: "But I do not know what to say."

She said: "Say what I said this morning."

So he said: "Dear God, why did I invite all these people to my house?"

Really funny jokes-Almost got caught

The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser.

So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss making passionate love to his wife.

The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept right on working. One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home? The boss has already left for the day".

Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught".

Clean jokes-Selling Cheezels

Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Ireland selling Cheezels?

He sold them as doughnut seeds.

Funny jokes-Fire prevention alarm system

Fire investigators on Maui, Hawaii, USA, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month: a short circuit in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

'This is even worse than last year,' said the distraught homeowner, 'when someone broke in and stole my new security system.'

One line jokes-Pianist

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Really funny jokes-Spell what your father does

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

Office jokes-Final excuses for skipping out of work

1. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.

2. The police are at the back door. Cover me.

3. I’m having my nails done.

4. I’m having my colors done.

5. I’m having my head examined.

6. I’m going to the bank.

7. I’m going to sleep.

8. I’m going over the edge.

9. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.

10. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.

11. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.

12. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.

3. I need to check into a rest home.

14. I’m breaking in my shoes.

15. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.

16. I’m breaking out.

17. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

18. I have to pick out a car.

19. Salman Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.

Short funny jokes-First clue

Q: What is your first clue you are checking in to a kinky hotel?

A: The doorman flashes you on the way in.

Funny jokes-Hung!

A man is lounging in his favorite chair, drinking a beer, while his wife is cutting the lawn.

A lady walking by sees this and yells at the man: "You should be hung!"

The man takes a drink of his beer, and says to the lady: "I am. That's why she's cutting the grass."

Really funny jokes-Moving furniture

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.

"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

Hilarious jokes-Recycling a tampon

Q. How do you recycle a used tampon?

A. As a tea-bag for vampires.

Funny jokes-How big is the Baby?

I am seven months pregnant and my 8 year old daughter asks me how big the baby is now. I tell her it's roughly the size of a large banana.

She replies: "Then why is your butt the size of a watermelon?"

Really funny jokes-Bad golf

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

Finance jokes-Economist's wife

"I'm thinking of leaving my husband," complained the economist's wife.

"All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."