Funny jokes-Barn Insurance

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Office jokes-Life is all math

One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

Really funny jokes-My side off the Story

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing nonstop.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

Blonde jokes-Car with sunroof

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?

A. More leg-room!

Funny jokes-Box of tampons

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister - then who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

Yo Mama jokes-Green peace

Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.

Really funny jokes-Answers to Science exam

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Funny jokes-Cat and comma

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Clean jokes-Birthday song

It was our pals birthday, so we decided to call him up and sing "Happy Birthday."

Only trouble was we dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you." said the voice on the other end, just before he hung up, "You need all the practice you can get."

Really funny jokes-Different coloured skin

An Englishman once asked Mahatma Gandhi

"Why do you Indians have different coloured skins? Look at us, we all have the same colour".

Gandhi replied, "Thoroughbred horses have different colours, but all donkeys have the same colour!"

Funny jokes-High enough

Did you hear about the Irish hunters who got themselves all set up for a weekend of duck-shooting? They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and their orange hunting hats and tramped about for hours; but with no luck whatsoever. And when they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters, who were all carrying large bundles of dead ducks.
"Gee," said one Irishman to his companion, "everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?"
"I dunno," said the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs up high enough".

Blonde jokes-Cross the road

Why did the blonde cross the road?

Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?

Really funny jokes-What are you in for?

Paddy was sent to jail and was sharing a cell with two others.
"What are you in for?" he asked the first.
"Stealing a few bales of straw," he replied.
"And how long did you get?" asked Paddy.
"Six months," he replied.
"And what are you in for?" Paddy asked the second.
"Rape," he replied.
"And how long did you get?"
"Seven years," he replied.
"Heavens above," said Paddy, "you must have stolen a whole acre of the stuff".

Short funny jokes-Milk turning sour

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.