Doctor jokes-Toilet seat

The doctor tells a male patient that he has a case of venereal disease.

The man replies "That is impossible, I haven't been with anyone recently. I must have caught it off a toilet seat".

Doctor says, " in that case you must have been chewing it because you have got it in your gums!!

Funny jokes-Old Computer Terms

Old Computer Terms

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.

DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN: What a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

Really funny jokes-My Birthday

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on November 17, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As November 17 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on November 16, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was November 18.

Adult jokes-Sign from Above

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn’t going to bother and enter.

“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her arse began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her arse as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707….

Hilarious jokes-What women want

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

Funny jokes-Software Engineers to change a light bulb

Question. How many Software Engineers do you need to change a light bulb?

Answer. None. It's a hardware problem!

Really funny jokes-Mexican Matador

Mexico City police arrested a 22-year old matador who abandoned the bull he was fighting, jumped out of the ring and fled into the crowd.

Later, the judge was unimpressed when he pleaded “temporary sanity".

Blonde jokes-First aid course

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Funny jokes-Barbecue

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

One line jokes-Car sickness

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Kids jokes-Two fingers

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Funny jokes-The first man

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart.

On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

Office jokes-10 features of the Company Car

10 Features Of The Company Car

-- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

-- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

-- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

-- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

-- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

-- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches

Really funny jokes-High

You know you are really high when:

1. It takes an hour to cook minute rice.
2. You sell your car for gas money.
3. You think a quarterback is a refund.
4. Your friend takes a hit and says, that stone got me really hit.