Redneck jokes-Extreme

You're An Extreme Redneck If...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

Funny adult jokes-Lady Traffic Police officer

A man married a Lady Traffic Police officer. Friend, How was your first night?

Man, She charged Rs.100 from me for over speeding, Rs.200 for wrong side entry, Rs.500 for no helmet.

Good jokes-What Men call their Women

What Men Call Their Women


What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.


My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus -- See The Wife.

My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.

Really funny jokes-New suit

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"

"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

Short funny jokes-Best time to pick pears

TEACHER: "Tell me, Johnny, which is the best time to pick pears? Spring, summer, autumn or winter?"

JOHNNY: "The best time to pick pears is when the farmer is not at home and there's no dog on the farm."

Clean jokes-In the Oven

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

Good jokes-Ballerina

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'

Yo Mama jokes-Failed!

Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.

Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.

Really funny jokes-Weather man in Russia

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and
respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There
wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all
of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud
heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That
morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"

To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

Hilarious jokes-Multiple

Mary: I knew right away he was a loser.

Jill: How did you know so fast?

Mary: He said he could give me "multiple organisms."

Christmas jokes-Santa, a Man or Woman?

Christmas has to be a warm, well organised, caring, considerate, social occasion. So, it's unlikely that a man could take responsibility for making it happen.

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about Christmas until Christmas Eve. And when they do eventually rush into the high street at the latest possible moment, they seem genuinely surprised to discover that the only options remaining on the shelves are cheap perfume and lingerie suitable for high class tarts.

Let's face it, Santa Claus must be a woman. If Santa was a man, all there would be under the Christmas tree are high tech' toys .... still in the original wrappings, of course.

Another flaw in the 'he-Santa' argument is his apparent ability to arrive promptly every Christmas Eve. If Santa was a man, he could be relied upon to have transportation problems, get lost in all the snow and clouds and flatly refuse to ask anyone for directions.

There are lots of other reasons why Santa can't be a man:

Men have no idea about packing bags.

Men would rather be dead than wear red velvet.

Men have no interest in stockings, unless they are being worn by an attractive female.

But, the real show-stopper is, most men simply can't do commitment.

Adult jokes | Divorced

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear. "Look John", she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"

Really funny jokes-Bad Combinations

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . my personal favorite:

13. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Little Johnny jokes-A Horse auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."