Christmas jokes-Top 10 ways to confuse Santa Claus

Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas

10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!

9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!

8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!

7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!

6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"

4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.

3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.

2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!

1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"

Animal jokes-Repellent

A couple moved to the country side for their retirement living thinking they were going to live in midst of free animals.

One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellent from city, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of ultrasonic sound that drives off mice.

The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellent. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.

"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.

"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"

Christmas jokes-Snowman and Shark

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?

Frostbite!

Really funny jokes-Inherit farm

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter: "I may die any moment so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, the tractor, the farmhouse & all the livestock."

"Wow!!!!" said the granddaughter, "Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it? "

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Grandma replies: On 'Facebook'

Christmas jokes-Peace on Earth

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Good jokes-Alzheimer's Test

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S

2 . _ _NDOM

3 . F_ _K

4 . P_N_S

5 . PU_S_

6 . S_X

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Answers:

1. BOOKS

2 . RANDOM

3 . FORK

4 . PANTS

5 . PULSE

6 . SIX


You got all 6 wrong ....didn't you?
Congratulation! You do NOT have an Alzheimer Problem. You have another problem!!

Christmas jokes-Angel on top of the Christmas tree

Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”

Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.

At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.

But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"

And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Funny jokes-Something for the house

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Christmas jokes-Elves

Q. Why does Santa use Elves?

A. There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.

Really funny jokes-Baby mosquito

Baby mosquito came back after flying for the first time.
His mom asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that's what is a Positive Attitude!!

Redneck jokes-Do it for your country

Redneck Motto:
Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work, put a flag over her head and do it for your country.

Christmas jokes-Pop

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?

My pop is bigger than yours !

Hilarious jokes-Noise in the engine

Taxiing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.

“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.

"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."

Christmas jokes-Never hungry

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?

The turkey - he's always stuffed !