Funny jokes-Something for the house

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Christmas jokes-Elves

Q. Why does Santa use Elves?

A. There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.

Really funny jokes-Baby mosquito

Baby mosquito came back after flying for the first time.
His mom asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that's what is a Positive Attitude!!

Redneck jokes-Do it for your country

Redneck Motto:
Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work, put a flag over her head and do it for your country.

Christmas jokes-Pop

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?

My pop is bigger than yours !

Hilarious jokes-Noise in the engine

Taxiing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.

“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.

"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."

Christmas jokes-Never hungry

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?

The turkey - he's always stuffed !

Short funny jokes-Deja Moo

'Deja Moo': The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Really funny jokes-Match maker

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman."

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... just a sample."

She thought a minute. "A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

Christmas jokes-Eat Decorations

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?

You get tinsel-itus !

Funny one liners-New missile

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Practical jokes-Fun things to do at K-Mart

Practical jokes-Fun Things To Do At K-Mart (Or Wal-Mart)

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the computers.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&Ms on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Bat-cave!"

Yo mama jokes-Rocked herself

Yo' momma's so fat, she fell out of bed one night and rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up.

Really funny jokes-London fire

In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.

But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.


One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,


"Because they were both at work."