Yo' momma's so fat, she fell out of bed one night and rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up.
Really funny jokes, adult jokes, good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, very funny jokes, kids jokes, funny pictures
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Really funny jokes-London fire
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
Labels:
Clean jokes,
Good jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Adult jokes-Pulled a muscle
Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!
Labels:
Adult jokes,
Hilarious jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Good jokes-Pet fish
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
Labels:
Clean jokes,
Good jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Really funny jokes-Jury Selection
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
Labels:
Good jokes,
Hilarious jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Office jokes-Rolodex
I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor.
"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"
He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."
"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"
He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."
Labels:
Clean jokes,
Office jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Monday, December 13, 2010
Short funny jokes-Yo Mama
Yo' momma's so fat she went to a restaurant, looked at the menu, and just said "OK."
Labels:
Short funny jokes,
short humor jokes,
SMS jokes
Kids jokes-Can't find it
Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.
Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"
Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.
Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"
Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
Labels:
Kids Jokes,
Really Funny Jokes,
Teacher Jokes
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Really funny jokes-The Zen Of Consumer Guidance Labels
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Labels:
Good jokes,
Hilarious jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Clean jokes-Thinking fast
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
Labels:
Clean jokes,
Good jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Friday, December 10, 2010
Really funny jokes-Headstone
After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he’d placed his order.
“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”
“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”
Labels:
Clean jokes,
Really Funny Jokes,
short humor jokes
Doctor jokes-Wierd dreams
Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"
"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"
"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."
Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"
Labels:
doctor jokes,
Good jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Hilarious jokes-AIDS Warning !
Senior citizens are the nation's leading carriers of AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
GARDENING AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
And
AIDS : Acute income deficiency syndrome
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
GARDENING AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
And
AIDS : Acute income deficiency syndrome
Labels:
Good jokes,
Hilarious jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
Birthday party jokes-To be around
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. " Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
"I certainly do," he replied. " Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Labels:
Good jokes,
Really Funny Jokes,
short humor jokes
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