Clean jokes-Thinking fast

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.

He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.

"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

Really funny jokes-Headstone

After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he’d placed his order.

“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”

Doctor jokes-Wierd dreams

Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.

"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"

Hilarious jokes-AIDS Warning !

Senior citizens are the nation's leading carriers of AIDS!


HEARING AIDS


BAND AIDS


GARDENING AIDS


WALKING AIDS


MEDICAL AIDS


GOVERNMENT AIDS


MOST OF ALL,


MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!


Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)


And


AIDS : Acute income deficiency syndrome

Birthday party jokes-To be around

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. " Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

Really funny jokes-GPS override

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What's a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife

Good jokes-Sports Team Names

Top 20 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

20. Islamabad Beggars

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Delhi Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

6. Taipei Personalities

5. Syria Killers

4. Hungary Jacks

3. Dublin Mint Twins

2. Prague Tologists

1. Peking Toms

Funny jokes-Scenery

I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."

Doctor jokes-Miserable cold

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

One line jokes - Husband Wife

Wife : "Why are you back home so early?"
Husband : At office boss told me "Go to Hell.."

Really funny jokes-Read aloud

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."

Really good stuff-What women should tell men...but don’t

What women should tell men...but don’t

1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we’re watching football with you - it’s not bonding - it’s their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.

8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.

11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favorite outfit rather than “yours” - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. A negative grunt.

15. Don’t insist that we “get off the stupid phone” and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling… however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Little Johnny jokes-What part of your body goes to Heaven first

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it 's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

Hilarious jokes-Street name

"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."