Funny jokes-Handy Hints

*A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep.

*Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

*An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Really funny jokes-Regular Man

When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls' boarding house. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled casually through the room in various states of undress.

The climax came when a young lady, barely covered with a small towel, appeared to pay the bill. As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, "That's not our regular man!"

Their regular man is blind.

Yo Mama jokes-In traffic

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.

Adult jokes-Had it

An old man walked into a brothel one day and said to the madam, "I would really like a young girl for the night"

"How old are you then sir?" asked the madam.

"I am 98 years old and still going strong, cough, cough!"

"Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realise that you've had it?"

"Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?"

Really funny jokes-Better Judge

When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”

Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38)

Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”

Good jokes-Going out!

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

“Going out?” I called to them hopefully.

“No,” said the man. “Just friends.”

Short funny jokes-Arrested in the coal fields

Q: Did you hear about the hooker who got arrested in the coal fields?

A: She was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a miner.

Clean jokes-Little known Chocolate tidbits..

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!

Hilarious jokes-How fast

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Kids jokes-Honesty

My son, David, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

One line jokes-Scottish farmer

The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD, but it turns out he was just allergic to wool.

Really funny jokes-Free of cost

An ant knocks on the door of a house.

The house owner opens the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.

The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.

After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.

One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.

The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."

Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?

Because they are now tenants!

Redneck jokes-You might be one if

You Might Be a Redneck If......

* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
* You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
* You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
* You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Yo Mama jokes-Hunchbacked

Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to wash dishes.