Yo Mama jokes-So ugly

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
Rice Krispies won't talk to her.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.

Short funny jokes-Passion for Maths

Women have a Passion for Mathematics

They divide their age in half

Double the price of their clothes &

Always add at least 5 years to the age of their Best Friend.

Hilarious jokes-All the credit

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Really funny jokes-Things your mother would never say

Things Your Mother Would NEVER Say...


-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

-- That outfit isn't hot enough, here, unbutton your top .

-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

-- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

-- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Adult jokes | Self raising

One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks. It wasn’t long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated. She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, “Is yours self-raising too?” The feeble old man croaked, “No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!”

Practical jokes-Shipwrecked

Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked," perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface. Keep the following in mind if you experience any of these symptoms while in a bar:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Find a dog. Stand next to him. Complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have someone fetch some rope and tie you down in upright position.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Go to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
CAUSE: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Open window fast.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Find
someone cushy-looking. Fall on him.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
CAUSE: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Pour contents of glass on him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
CAUSE: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
CAUSE: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
CAUSE: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Find someone sober to sing the song for you. Play backup air guitar.

Clean jokes-Missing goat

Farmer Azmat slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"

"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."

Good jokes-Remake of The Exorcist

Q. Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake "The Exorcist"?

A. It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

Redneck jokes-Etiquette for All Occasions

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions!

*Never take a beer to a job interview
*It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.

Really funny jokes-Second fiddle

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.

He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"

The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

Clean jokes-Calming with tranquilizers

The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking
regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

She replied, "Who cares ..."

Short funny jokes-Cow who works for a gardener

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?

A lawn moo-er.

Funny jokes-You're A Teacher If...

You're A Teacher If...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

Adult jokes | Lonely widow

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" "Yes, I am," the man replied. The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs !"The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is set for Saturday.