Redneck jokes-Twelve days of Christmas

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas

On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 turkey wings
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

Really funny jokes-Breakfast in bed

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

Clean jokes-Eastern or Pacific

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

Lawyer jokes-Brown and black

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

Hilarious jokes-Jumping off the bridge

A Trucker driving on a bridge noticed an young good looking girl going to jump off the bridge. He stops truck and rushes to save the girl, holds her and asked "What are you doing?".

The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."

Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."

The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"

Adult jokes | Wrinkles out

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Really funny jokes-Patrol officer meets his match

A patrol officer pulled over Enid for speeding. Enid was a 65 year old lady from out of state.
The officer asked to see her license.
'Don't have one' Enid said.

'Can I please see the Vehicle registration' the officer asked firmly but politely.

'Nope' snapped Enid.

In that case I will have to take you into the Police station and charge you there.

When they arrived, the arresting officer said, to the duty sergeant. This lady has no license and no vehicle registration.

'Sure I do' said Enid sweetly. This officer has got in for me, the next thing is he will be saying that I was speeding."

Blonde jokes-Trivial pursuit

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Adult jokes | Old geezers

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods. "The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk. "The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

Really funny stuff-Foreign Holiday Notices

Here are a collection of notices that made our foreign holiday one long laugh. English is such a difficult language to learn, just the smallest mistake can produce a hilarious joke.

* In the Bedroom:
1) Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notice.
2) Please to bathe inside the tub.
3) Please leave your values at the front desk.
4) You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5) Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

* In a Bar:
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today — no ice cream.

* In the Hotel Shop
1) For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
2) If this is your first visit to Tokyo, you are welcome to it.
3) Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
4) Specialist in women and other diseases
5) Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Animal jokes-Elephant under the bed

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Good jokes-Secret way to catch fish

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Really funny jokes-Better sandwich

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked,
"If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."

Adult jokes | Addiction

A man goes to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can`t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won`t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I`ll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn`t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don`t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can`t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."