Hilarious jokes-You're gonna love Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great!

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You know it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes I do.

Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: Are You gay?

Guy: No....

Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Adult jokes | Wax museum

The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill Clinton. They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance in front of several staff members set on a stage made up like the oval office. After the figure had been on display for a couple of days, the museum employees were constantly having to go in and rezip Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the 'down' position. They even went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul play, and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down position. So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum installed a hidden camera to catch the culprit. They did. And it was more than just one. During the course of one day no less than 18 different women stepped into the exhibit, got down on their knees, unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his' trousers and had a friend snap their photo.

Really funny stuff-Five Amusing Shop Signs

1. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2. Tailor shop, Greece:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3. On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

5. Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: '
The Lone Drainer - he come pronto.'

Teacher jokes-Figures of Speech

A fifth grade teacher was questioning her students use of the word "like." She explained that, contrary to their common use of it, "like" was not an adjective but a comparison word. She then challenged them to think up some similes to exemplify the lesson. This done, she moved on to ask about other figures of speech.

"Class, what others can you think of?"

No one in the class could come up with anything, so she prompted them with a couple of her own.
"How about metaphors and personification?" she asked. "Aren't they examples?"

Little Johnny raised his hand, and when called upon said, "I know what a metaphor is, but not personification."

The teacher replied, "What's the word to describe what I'm saying when I point to that old willow tree and say 'He's saluting us with his branches.' Or what if I asked the sun to send us some sunshine? Or if I said 'That field of tall grass is waving at us?' What word best describes what I'm doing when I speak like that?"

Little Johnny thought a moment, then said, "Hallucinating?"

Really funny jokes-Priest and Pastor

A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Blonde jokes-During the birth

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."

Adult jokes | Bananas

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help. Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet. Gwen left very happy and excited. As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.” She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But incredibly Gwen didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around. Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"

Good jokes-Lawn mowers

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They are difficult to get started, and then they don't work half the time.

Lawyer jokes-Born liar

One of the renowned lawyers in Texas had made love to a woman of the night who unfortunately forgot to take her panty from the lawyer's car.

Afterwards he drove home and as usual the wife came out with open arms, hugged him warmly and led him to the house.

The man then remembered, "Honey please rush to the car and get some chicken. Sorry I forgot to bring it with me after the hug."

The lady dashed to the car. What met her eyes? A woman's panty!!!!!!

"Caught this idiot today" she thought. "You thought you could escape this time round!"

She muttered. With all her strength she tore the panty into pieces and rushed back to the husband ready to tear him down.

During all this time' the man had realized his folly and was ready.

He was smart enough.

"Now why do you ruin my life?" the lady asked.

"You! Do you realize what you have just done!?" the husband stammered outrageously "That's the case worth ten million dollars I told you about yesterday and the panty was the rape evidence. What am I going to present before court tomorrow? Why do you rush
into action without consulting me first? You must produce that item!"

Unbelievably the wife was so sorry. She even went to look for the torn pieces and brought back to her husband with a promise never to repeat the mistake.

She wouldn't imagine her husband losing 10 million.

Really who should have apologized?

Really funny jokes-Don't be upset, Cindy

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl riding in the child's seat. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, "No". The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, "Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don't be upset………we’ll soon be out of here."

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice lolly. When told she couldn't have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, "There, there, Cindy, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the check out".

When they got to the conveyor belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout. Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets. The mother, calmed her saying, "Cindy, we'll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap."

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.
"I couldn't help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy," Cedric said.

The mother turned and replied, "Oh, no, I'm Cindy. My little girl's name is Dorothy.

Short funny jokes-Chicken playing

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

Fowl play!

Hilarious jokes-A River

In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn't always called that. It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:

"Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.

"Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish. "

Funny Lawyer joke-Vampire

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Office jokes-How to Translate Academic Jargon

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.