Good jokes-Lawn mowers

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They are difficult to get started, and then they don't work half the time.

Lawyer jokes-Born liar

One of the renowned lawyers in Texas had made love to a woman of the night who unfortunately forgot to take her panty from the lawyer's car.

Afterwards he drove home and as usual the wife came out with open arms, hugged him warmly and led him to the house.

The man then remembered, "Honey please rush to the car and get some chicken. Sorry I forgot to bring it with me after the hug."

The lady dashed to the car. What met her eyes? A woman's panty!!!!!!

"Caught this idiot today" she thought. "You thought you could escape this time round!"

She muttered. With all her strength she tore the panty into pieces and rushed back to the husband ready to tear him down.

During all this time' the man had realized his folly and was ready.

He was smart enough.

"Now why do you ruin my life?" the lady asked.

"You! Do you realize what you have just done!?" the husband stammered outrageously "That's the case worth ten million dollars I told you about yesterday and the panty was the rape evidence. What am I going to present before court tomorrow? Why do you rush
into action without consulting me first? You must produce that item!"

Unbelievably the wife was so sorry. She even went to look for the torn pieces and brought back to her husband with a promise never to repeat the mistake.

She wouldn't imagine her husband losing 10 million.

Really who should have apologized?

Really funny jokes-Don't be upset, Cindy

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl riding in the child's seat. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, "No". The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, "Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don't be upset………we’ll soon be out of here."

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice lolly. When told she couldn't have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, "There, there, Cindy, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the check out".

When they got to the conveyor belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout. Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets. The mother, calmed her saying, "Cindy, we'll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap."

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.
"I couldn't help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy," Cedric said.

The mother turned and replied, "Oh, no, I'm Cindy. My little girl's name is Dorothy.

Short funny jokes-Chicken playing

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?

Fowl play!

Hilarious jokes-A River

In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn't always called that. It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:

"Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.

"Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish. "

Funny Lawyer joke-Vampire

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Office jokes-How to Translate Academic Jargon

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.

Really funny jokes-The replacement

Morris, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Morris had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris' job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Morris' place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

Clean jokes-Drive on

A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at the Day Centre coffee morning.

'Do you realise,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'

'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'

'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'

'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'

'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.'

Good jokes-The Lie detector

Police in Norfolk, Virginia, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message ' He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

Funny Limericks-Scrambled eggs

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Really funny jokes-Christmas presents

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Hilarious jokes-Bombarded by requests

On a visit to New York, Harpo Marx was bombarded by requests from various charities to appear at their benefits. After one particularly persistent woman had called him a dozen times in two days, Harpo reluctantly agreed to appear for her cause.

Thus appeased, she offered to personally escort him to the venue. As they were leaving Harpo's hotel room, the telephone began to ring.

"Don't you want to go back and answer it?" she asked. "Why bother?"

Harpo replied wearily. "It's undoubtedly you again.

Short funny jokes-Banker

Why didn't the banker have many friends?
Because he was a loaner.