Clean jokes-Study Jesus

Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.

His reply was, 'Nothing.'

So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?'

Richard's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'

Short funny jokes-Snowman in haunted house

What do you get when you put a snowman in a haunted house?

Ice screams!

Hilarious jokes-Picture in the refrigerator

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Short adult jokes | Struggling with English

The young Swedish pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!" "That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?" "Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

Really funny jokes-More important

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.

Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

Good jokes-Ten common fishing expressions explained

Ten common fishing expressions explained

1) Catch and Release: This is a conservation term that happens right before the local Fish and Game Protection Officer stops your boat when you have caught over the limit.

2) Hook: (i) A small curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (ii) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (iii) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings [see also, right hook, left hook].

3) Line: Something you give your colleagues when they ask on Monday how your fishing went over the weekend.

4) Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

5) Reel: A weighty object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

6) Rod: An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

7) School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your £15.99 [$USD30] lures and hold out for bread instead.

8) Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

9) Tackle Box: A box shaped amazingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get an elastoplasts [band aid], you soon find that you need more than one.

10) Test: (i) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (ii) A measure of your creativity in blaming 'that flippin' line' for once again losing the fish.

Short funny jokes-Herd of buffalo

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

Office jokes-The new recruit

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."

Really funny jokes-Chinese New Year

It was Chinese New Year. Bill and Jackson had just staggered back home from a hard night's drinking when they noticed that a menu from the new restaurant next door had come through the letter box. On a whim they decided to celebrate the Chinese New Year with a take-away. Jackson, was just off out of the door to fetch their meal when Bill turned to him and said, 'Please get me 20 number 6 while you're at the take-away.

Jackson returned with their chicken Chou Mein, sweet and sour pork and 20 portions of egg fried rice. Bill said, 'Where's me fags'. Jackson said, 'What cigarettes, you asked for 20 number 6 and that's what you've got, enough egg fried rice to feed a Chinese Junk from Shanghai to Hong Kong'.

Bill said, 'When I was last in England Embassy No 6 was a packet of fags.'

Adult jokes | Vacation in Caribbean

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”“I can’t tell you!” the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?” “I can’t because you will make fun of me!” the black man says. “There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says. “Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.” The lady replied, “It’s my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!”

Hilarious jokes-Moose Hunters

Two Moose hunters, Wally and Jeff, from New Mexico, fly to a remote area in Alberta, Canada. They have a fabulous hunting expedition and both manage to shoot a large moose.
When the plane returns to pick them up, Ronnie, the pilot looks at the animals and says, 'This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off.'

'That's gobbled-gook and nonsense!' explodes an angry Wally.
Yep,' agrees Jeff, 'you're just a cowardly custard. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!'

'Mmmm,' adds Wally, 'and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours, Ronnie.'
Ronnie becomes cross, as well, and snaps, 'Dang me, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody'
Wally and Jeff load up the plane; they taxi at full throttle and the plane almost makes it, but doesn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It touches the tree tops, flips, and breaks up. Everything scatters; the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers.

Still alive, but dazed, Ronnie pilot sits up, shakes his head to clear it, and mumbles, 'Where are we?'
Wally appears dishevelled from behind a shrub, looks around and replies, 'Oh.....I'd say ... about a hundred metres further than last year.'

Kids jokes-Can my Momma get pregnant?

In a second grade class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty." The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Adult jokes | Growing wild!

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out. Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world. "The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?" The first little old lady says, "Look at that." "When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it." "When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it." "When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it." "When I was 40 years old, I asked for it." "When I was 50 years old, I paid for it." "When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it." "When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it." "And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Really funny jokes-Distraught wife

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'